


Afraid to Let it Show

by notablyalive



Category: Victorious (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-26
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-09 20:35:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 28,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27722213
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notablyalive/pseuds/notablyalive
Summary: Ever since Jade saw  Tori perform in the big showcase, she's felt drawn to her for some reason. Little does she know it's a big crush that only grows when Tori starts going to Hollywood Arts.ORMy rewrite of Victorious, showing Jade's and Tori's viewpoints of the canon events of the show, plus a lot of non-canon as well.
Relationships: Tori Vega & Jade West, Tori Vega/Jade West
Comments: 52
Kudos: 95





	1. 1x1: Pilot

Jade was sitting in the back of the audience at the showcase, blocking everything out. Her act had already happened ages ago, and she had snuck into the audience to get away from everyone… she just wanted to be alone at the moment. She had told everyone she wanted to watch, but the reality was that she was on the verge of tears, and she didn’t want anyone to see. Sure, her act had gone great, but that didn’t change the fact that her dad hadn’t been in the audience… again. He had promised to come see it, just this once, but a quick text that “stuff came up” five minutes before the showcase was all Jade got as an apology. She hated that she cared, but after seeing everyone else’s parents applauding after their act, it was too much.

So here she was, chilling in the back of the audience. Well, not chilling. More like picking apart the seam of her sleeve to distract herself. It was going okay, and somehow she had managed to block out the background noise of the showcase. But then she suddenly heard this super soft yet clear voice starting to sing… 

_ Here I am _

_ Once again _

Jade looked up immediately. Whoever this was, that voice was beautiful… 

Jade frowned. This wasn’t someone she had ever seen before. And shouldn’t she have seen her before, if she was in the singing program? But that thought couldn’t linger long in Jade’s mind before it was replaced by others:  _ gee, she really looks as pretty as her voice, doesn’t she? _ Jade smiled slightly at this awkward, shy girl on the stage. How could she manage to look so…  _ cool _ … when she was standing there looking like a deer caught in headlights?

_ Feeling lost _

_ But now and then _

_ I breathe it in _

_ To let it go…  _

As the girl continued singing, Jade noticed that she gradually got more confident. She sped up the song and started smiling and dancing slightly. Jade’s smile grew. This girl looked like she was genuinely having fun… which surprisingly was not that common to see in the musical performances in the showcase. They were mostly made up of nervous kids trying to impress producers.

_ Okay, those shoes though. _ Jade thought they looked cute. Not something she would ever wear, but still. Cute. Since when did she care about what shoes other people wore? Seriously, what? She obsessed over the shoes for a solid ten seconds before moving on to just watching the girl dance. She was so energetic, and she performed like she meant it. Like she wasn’t just doing it because she was supposed to, but she was doing it because she wanted to. Like even if there were no producers and no audience, she would still be there, singing and dancing her heart out. Why was this so fun to watch?

The girl’s skin seemed to glow; her long, wavy, light brown hair bounced playfully as she danced. She was really pretty, that’s for sure. Jade felt very strongly that this girl was super cool, and she needed to become friends with her. Not that that would ever happen, considering she probably didn’t go to Hollywood Arts… but still! Jade would find a way. She had to. This girl was definitely worth it. After all, she was just perfect.

After the end of the act, the curtains closed. Then… opened, for some reason? André asked the audience if this girl was good enough to go to school at Hollywood Arts, and she said yes.  _ Sooooo… wait. This girl is going to my school now? Shit. _

________________________

The next morning...

________________________

Jade was totally not prepared to see that girl the second she walked into Sikowitz’s class. She opened the door and, from behind Beck’s back, saw the girl’s big brown eyes and perfectly beautiful hair. Actually, it was straight today.  _ Hmm… I wonder whether it’s naturally wavy or naturally straight? Frick, that’s not the right thing to be thinking right now… uh… _ Jade was totally flustered. There was Beck. He was supposed to be her wonderful boyfriend. She was supposed to love him. She was supposed to be the overprotective girlfriend. Riiiight. If Jade had been thinking properly, she might’ve said something sensible, like “Beck get the hell away from that chick” or “yo stop hitting on my boyfriend”. But no.  _ Flustered _ Jade had to go ahead and say that stupid line about “rubbing my boyfriend”. What the heck?  _ God Jade, you’re so stupid. You’re going to ruin all your chances of her ever liking you… _

Jade’s self-criticism was interrupted by Sikowitz starting class and thanking Tori for giving him two dollars on the street. Jade overheard Tori explaining to André that she had thought Sikowitz was homeless, and Jade suppressed a smile. That was funny. And sweet. And…  _ wait, focus, Jade. This is class. You pay attention in class. Pretend not to care, but pay attention. Come on _ .

Sikowitz introduced improv… _Wait, this girl doesn’t know improv? What? What planet is she from?_ _And Sikowitz seriously asked me to choose the improv groups? Wow, he never learns, does he…_ Jade looked over the classroom. Honestly, there weren’t that many good actors in the room. She picked Cat because she was good, Beck because she had to, and… who else to pick? Jade’s eye fell on the new girl. _Ah. Nothing better to start off her stay here at Hollywood Arts than with a little improv, right? What could go wrong?_

____

_ Fuck. What was that? What did I just do??? Oh god. Frick frick frick. Why??? Why am I such a terrible person? I didn’t intend for any of that to happen! I wasn’t going to make her be a dog, and I definitely wasn’t going to spill coffee on her head. What is wrong with me? She joined the scene and I just blanked. Everything became a cloud of rage, honestly. I didn’t know I was mad at her. Seriously. Was I even mad at her? Frick. I have no clue what to do. _

The second the end-of-class bell rang, Jade rushed out of the classroom. Beck tried to stop her to lecture her about not spilling coffee on the new girl, but Jade left him in the dust. She  _ really _ did not need to be hearing that. Jade sought refuge in the janitor’s closet and stayed there for all of lunch… crying. Why was she crying? It was just a stupid mistake. It’s not like she hadn’t done really terrible things to kids before. Why did she feel bad about it this time?

Jade suddenly remembered the look on the girl’s face after the coffee spilling. She had looked totally crushed and defeated.  _ Did I do that to her? God, I’m really a terrible person, aren’t I? _

These thoughts stayed in the back of Jade’s mind for the rest of the day, distracting her from classes and homework. She probably got half her homework wrong, that’s how distracted she was. Near the end of the day, Jade reached a decision: she had to protect this girl from her meanness. She couldn’t crush this girl again. And that meant no friendship. No interaction if she could help it. Nothing. Only pushing her away. That was the only way to protect the girl, who definitely did not deserve Jade’s meanness.

________________________

The next morning...

________________________

_ She’s back. That’s good. Well, not good for me… that’ll only make this harder. But yeah, good for her. _

Tori volunteered to go first for alphabetical improv…  _ Frick! She picked me to be in her group! Nooooo I can’t do this. I can’t do this with her.  _ Jade tried not to show her inner turmoil, then kissed Beck (for show more than anything else; she had to prove to everyone that nothing had changed, and she was completely fine).

_ Aaaand here it goes…  _

It was bad. Tori made it confrontational, and it was all downhill from there. Rage built up inside Jade… probably the same rage as yesterday. It took over and Jade wasn’t thinking anymore, only acting petty and obnoxious.  _ Why are all the ugliest sides of me coming out now? _ Jade wasn’t proud of how she was acting. Or at least she wasn’t later that night, when she thought about it and ripped a pillow to shreds with a pair of scissors. During the moment, she was consumed with anger and vengeance, and an uncanny desire to verbally tear this girl apart. Seriously? What was wrong with her?

And then when the girl kissed Beck… that was just cruel. The facade of this girl being perfect vanished in that split-second. Any desire Jade had of ever becoming this girl’s friend was replaced by hurt. It stung to see her boyfriend kissing the new girl. Sure, they didn’t have the best relationship, but they were together, and it worked. Beck was the only one in the whole school who ever cared about Jade, and now this girl was trying to pull him away. Jade managed to fight back her tears for the remainder of class, but during lunch she hid out in the janitor’s closet again, crying her eyes out and cursing this evil new girl. 

  
  
  


_____

A/N: Thank you so, so much for reading! Please let me know what you think! If you have any suggestions for things you want me to change, I would love to hear them!

This is actually my first published fic, so my style might change a little as it goes on. I’m planning to stay close to the show at the beginning (but obviously with a lot of changes since we see it mainly from Jade’s POV) and then probably straying more from the show as their relationship develops.

Do you want to hear Tori’s POV? Let me know!


	2. 1x2: The Bird Scene

Going to school in the morning had never been harder. Sure, there had always been some days when Jade had wanted to play hooky (and some days where she actually did it), but that was always out of a desire to do something more interesting (like getting her eyebrow pierced at that sale at the mall) or to satisfy her rebellious streak. Jade’s current feeling—this strong desire to  _ avoid _ school—was uncharted territory. Every day when she woke up, Jade started getting ready normally, until she remembered  _ Tori _ . That wicked, overrated (and somehow insanely well-liked?) new girl who had kissed Jade’s boyfriend. These thoughts always filled Jade with rage, which soon gave way to unbearable hurt.  _ She kissed Beck. And he kissed her back….  _ Every morning, Jade cursed Tori and stared in the mirror for a solid five minutes, contemplating possible excuses for staying home. Then she would remember the super important play she was rehearsing, or that intriguing guest speaker who was coming into her writing class, and she realized with a sigh that she had to go.

It wasn’t any easier when Jade got to school. She was still happy to see Beck, but feelings of betrayal were forever stuck in the back of her mind. She assumed she knew the reason Beck had agreed to kissing Tori: he thought Jade had been unjustifiably mean to Tori and wanted to give Tori a chance at payback. Jade knew she had been a jerk, but she also knew that Beck’s loyalty should be placed in his  _ girlfriend _ , not in this obnoxious new girl. She also strongly believed that it’s never okay to help someone out by hurting a person you care about. (Somewhere deep in her heart, Jade knew this last belief made her a hypocrite, but she justified her mean behavior by telling herself she didn’t care about anyone, so it didn’t matter how she treated people.)

Then Jade saw Tori. Actually, she heard her first. She was arguing with Trina, something about the semester plays? From the other side of the hall, Jade cringed. Trina was the most talentless, obnoxious…  _ Wait. No. Tori is worse… _ Jade shuffled around her mental list of “The Most Annoying People at Hollywood Arts.” She put Tori right at the top, a position her older sister had always held. She had never expected anyone to be worse than Trina…  _ but apparently that family’s got an annoyingness gene?? _

While Jade was caught up in her thoughts, Tori started walking toward her. When Jade finally noticed Tori, she felt a quick rush in her chest, her throat tightening a bit as she was filled with a jittery anticipation more intense than any stage fright or coffee rush she had ever experienced. Jade felt herself drawn toward the girl, and before she knew it she was walking toward Tori. When she was within a few feet, Jade looked over the large pile of textbooks the girl was struggling with. 

Jade spoke automatically, fulfilling her heart’s sudden, strange desire to be kind. “Need some help?”

Tori looked up gratefully, seeming a bit shocked that Jade had even offered, yet still appearing trusting. “Yes!”

As Tori responded, the sound brought back Jade’s memory of a few days before, when that same voice had boldly told Beck,  _ kiss me _ . Hurt and anger trooped into Jade’s brain, crowding out the excitement, hope, and kindness that had previously been stationed there. Jade instantly regretted that she hadn’t duct taped her mouth shut before coming to school.  _ I don’t want to help her! This is Tori, and she kissed my boyfriend! _ To cover her mistake, Jade racked her brain for a snarky comeback. After a moment, she sneered and said “interesting,” then waltzed away from Tori before her tongue could betray her again.

********************************************************************************************************

_ Wow, Jade really hates me.  _ This thought wedged itself in Tori’s mind throughout the whole morning, even when André and Robbie helped her with her books. No one had ever really hated her before… or if they had, they hadn’t shown it. Jade’s spitefulness stung, but Tori felt it was unfair to be hated without having had much of a chance to prove herself, and she resented Jade for judging her so quickly.

Things were even worse for Tori in class. Tori had seen Jade acting, and she was always blown away by Jade’s polished characters and obvious confidence. Maybe Jade was a jerk, but she was a jerk who could act, and Tori greatly respected her skill. Honestly, that was the problem… 

… because the next day, here Tori was, standing on the stage in Sikowitz’s class, performing the bird scene for the first time. She had rehearsed it for hours the day before, trying to figure out the perfect way to say each word. She had hogged the bathroom after dinner, working on her facial expressions in the mirror. She had even stayed up an hour later than usual, making sure she had all the lines memorized. She had poured  _ so much effort _ into her performance, but when she looked out at the classroom, all she could see was Jade staring at her. Tori wondered if Jade was judging her, and as soon as the possibility crossed her mind, Tori became convinced that it must be true. She  _ knew _ that Jade must be evaluating her performance, and it freaked Tori out. She felt panicked. She felt like a fake, standing here on the stage, pretending she could act when really, she didn’t deserve to be here. She had no clue what she was doing, and if Jade was judging her, clearly Tori should just leave the school and never come back. She was talentless.

Yeah, those aren’t great thoughts to have as company while giving a super important performance. When Tori finished the scene, she breathed a quick sigh of relief that it was over. She hoped that she could pass, yet according to Sikowitz, she had done it all wrong. Tori felt Jade’s sneer without even needing to look in that direction, and she tried to hide her disappointment and embarrassment. What would it take to be good enough?

********************************************************************************************************

_ Tori’s Bird Scene, Attempt 2 out of ????. This time she brought… a backdrop? _

Jade couldn’t help thinking that was kind of cool. Very original.  _ No, wait, this is Tori. She’s neither cool nor original. All she does is lure me in with her cool shoes and angelic voice and beautiful brown eyes, and then she stabs a knife through my chest. She’s a siren. No, she’s the devil’s spawn. _

And then the “devil’s spawn” took out a bird puppet. Okay, that was super dorky. Jade rolled her eyes. As Tori started the scene, Jade was surprised to note that, despite the backdrop, today’s performance was significantly worse than the previous days’; yesterday, Tori had seemed confident when she started, yet today, she seemed nervous, glancing around the room, especially at…  _ Wait, is she looking at me? _ Jade panicked as Tori’s eyes fixated on her, yet she found herself unable to look away. She was trapped in Tori’s piercing, evil,  _ mesmerizing _ gaze. All Jade’s thoughts fled her brain, and the room around her shrunk until it was just her and Tori. Or, more accurately, her small, timid, frozen figure and Tori’s brilliant eyes.

Then it was over. The instant Tori finished her scene, Jade snapped out of the trance. The memory of Tori kissing Beck wormed itself back into Jade’s mind, and with it came all the sorrow and enmity. All the anger Jade harbored for Tori took control once again. Jade scolded herself for getting drawn into Tori’s performance, then resumed her brooding. Her only consolation was that Tori failed the Bird Scene once again.

********************************************************************************************************

_ Tori’s Bird Scene, Attempt 3 out of… you know what? I don’t care how many tries it will take her. They’re all going to suck. _ (Yeah, right. No matter how hard Jade tried to convince herself, she couldn’t believe those thoughts.)

Jade looked around the room again. Tori had enclosed the entire stage in curtains… and they weren’t even nice-looking. _Seriously? Curtains? What does she think she is, a professional?_ _Nah, she can’t even pass the stupid Bird Scene._

Sikowitz introduced Tori, and Jade learned that her last name was Vega.  _ Hmm, that’s interesting. A pretty last name for a pretty -- wait, no. Stop that. _ Jade tried to suppress her emotions so she could think about things objectively.  _ This girl is evil. She kissed my boyfriend. Therefore, she doesn’t deserve to be called by her first name. Devil’s spawn can only be referred to by last name, so last name it will be. Vega. I can get used to that… not that I’m going to need to think about her at all. I can block her out of my mind. That’s totally doable _ .

Only a few moments later, Jade had already failed in her goal of not thinking about Tori. Jade tried to pretend not to be impressed by Tori’s costumes and props, but the writer in her was already making note of the interesting set and staging choices that she might want to incorporate into her next play.  _ But wait, why am I finding creative inspiration from Tor-... Vega, of all people? I don’t WANT to imitate her. I don’t like her! _ It was too late, though. Once Jade found inspiration in someone else’s work, she couldn’t un-find it. Jade had already been pulled into the watching-Tori-perform-and-staring-at-her-like-a-total-idiot trance, and she couldn’t escape it.

********************************************************************************************************

Despite the curtain and all her props, Tori was still very nervous. Each of her two previous failures had made her less and less confident in her abilities, and it didn’t help that Jade was staring at her again.  _ Why does she constantly have to criticize me? She either makes fun of me aloud or mocks me silently during my performances. Why can’t she just leave me alone? _ A little indignation bubbled up, but it was quickly quenched by Tori’s nerves.  _ Deep breaths. Deep breaths. I can do this… I think. _

The performance went pretty smoothly, although it didn’t feel like much of a relief to Tori; she was too fixated on Jade, who was still staring at her. Tori barely noticed everyone else in the class smiling after her performance; all she saw was Jade’s blank expression.  _ Stop caring what she thinks! Only Sikowitz’s opinion matters _ . If only Tori could convince herself to actually believe her thoughts. She turned her attention toward Sikowitz, her words tumbling over each other as she nervously asked “Did I get it right?”

There was a tense pause that felt like hours, but in reality it was less than half a second. Then: “Nope.”

Tori’s heart sank, and then, out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jade smirk.

_ Jade smirked. She smirked. She knew I was going to fail. She  _ expected _ me to fail. That gank! _ Tori became filled with fury.  _ Jade cannot be right. She’s wrong, and I have to prove her wrong! _ Just like during the alphabetical improv, when Tori had picked Jade so she could stand up for herself after having coffee spilled on her, Tori knew that she had to stick up for herself. She could  _ not _ let Jade win.

Tori took a deep breath to brace herself, then started: “I did too get it right!”

********************************************************************************************************

“The scene I just did was good, and I’m proud of it, no matter what anybody thinks.”

There was another pause, and then Tori saw Jade lean back in her chair, raise an eyebrow, then… start clapping?

_ Jade? Jade is clapping… for me? _ Tori felt a small swell of pride… which gave way to an overwhelming feeling of giddiness.  _ Jade is clapping for me! _

********************************************************************************************************

Later that night, Tori couldn’t sleep. Her mind was swimming with all the experiences of the day. No matter how hard she tried to suppress her thoughts so she could go to bed, they kept popping back up… especially the ones about Jade.  _ I thought she hated me. I thought she was just judging me. But then she clapped. She clapped and she smiled _ — _ for me! And it felt amazing. _ Tori smiled with the memory. She felt as though Jade’s approval made everything alright—the long nights preparing for the Bird Scene, as well as all the stress of the performances themselves—it was all worth that small smile.  _ Maybe Jade’s not too bad, after all _ .

Suddenly, Tori shot up in bed. In her mind’s eye she saw that day when they had done alphabetical improv. She recalled that kiss with Beck. She had forgotten all about it because it hadn’t actually been a big deal to her, but…  _ oh god, maybe that’s why Jade hates me. _ Guilt consumed the rest of Tori’s thoughts, and she could think of nothing else for the remainder of the night.

Sometime around three in the morning, Tori realized that she would never be able to get any sleep if she didn’t make some sort of plan to apologize. She would have to be alone with Jade; that definitely made things complicated. Tori also had no doubt that Jade would make it insanely difficult to say anything. None of this, however, dampened Tori’s spirits. Urged along by guilt and a confusing desire to befriend Jade, Tori resolved to put her plan into action.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I wasn’t quite sure about how this episode would be, but it actually turned out really fun to write. I hope you all enjoyed it as much as I did!
> 
> For now, I’ll be updating on Wednesdays. See you next week!


	3. One Very Confused, Idiotic Chicken

“Okay, is everyone ready to hear about our next assignment?”

Jade perked up and leaned forward in her seat. She was always excited to get a new assignment in her play-writing class. The class itself was sometimes iffy, but writing was Jade’s passion, and she poured her heart and soul into every play she wrote. All her works pulsed with her spirit. Although it was true that the fragments of her life and experiences that made it into her writing often went unrecognized by others, to her, her plays were vehicles for pouring her emotions out of her and making sense of them. Or at least making something interesting with them.

Jade didn’t only write for her class assignments; she always had a couple other works going on at the same time, and she would jump between them, writing scenes whenever she felt inspired. Oftentimes her favorite plays were ones which were not required for class, but ones which she wrote on her own. She would occasionally show them to her play-writing teacher anyways, just because it was always nice to get feedback. But some of her plays were so personal that she would never let anyone else read them, much less produce them. They were just for her, and they were incredibly dear to her heart. Those beloved plays were kept in a locked drawer in her room, safe from anyone who might attempt to pry into Jade’s personal life and feelings.

The plays she wrote for class were completely different. Sure, they were usually a little dark, but the intensity was toned down a  _ lot _ from her other works. The prompts could also be hit or miss; they were usually compelling, but sometimes they just felt dumb.  _ I hope this is a good one _ .

Jade mentally crossed her fingers as her teacher explained, “You will all be writing about the same setting and same general characters: chickens on a farm.” Jade groaned.  _ What kind of idiotic prompt is that? Who the heck writes about chickens?! _

The teacher continued, unfazed by the general alarm in the classroom. “I am sure you will all come up with amazingly unique and creative stories to tell. After all, characters are mere vehicles for the theme. If you can successfully write a compelling narrative with chickens as your characters, then you will find it much easier to develop meaningful stories later on.”

Jade looked around the classroom. The other students looked about as enthused as Jade felt; it was as though they had been told they were going to write a story exploring how it feels to watch paint dry and had to do first-hand research themselves.  _ Actually, I think that would be more interesting than chickens. Chickens! _

Despite the lack of interest from her students, the teacher kept talking. “I want you to have fun with it. Bring in your personal experiences; tell  _ your _ life story through these chickens. For this project only, I do  _ not _ want you to plan out the plot. In fact, I prohibit you from doing so. Each day, you will write one scene for your play. Let the story tell itself, and let it take you where it wants to go. I am looking forward to what you all have to say.” With that, she dismissed the class.

Jade got up slowly, then made her way into the hall and toward her locker.  _ That prompt sucks, but you know what? It’ll be fine. I don’t have to worry about the stupid chicken play until after school, so whatever. I can push it out of my mind, and the rest of the school day will be fine. _ Jade put her books in her locker and was just done convincing herself that she could still enjoy her day when her thoughts were interrupted by a perky voice that came from about a foot away from her right ear, on the other side of her locker door. 

“Hi Jade, can we talk?”   


Jade closed her eyes. That voice was unmistakable, but Jade desperately wanted to be wrong about who was standing there, waiting.  _ It’s Vega. Shit. _

********************************************************************************************************

“Uh, Jade? Did you hear me?”

_ Yes, I heard you! Now get the hell away from me before I punch you in the stomach! _

“Jade? Come on, you’re not even putting books away anymore.”

_ No duh. You’ve invaded every single one of my fricking thoughts and I can’t focus on anything else. There’s no room for something like locker organization when you’re standing right here demanding that I pay attention to you. _

“Okay, seriously? Jade? I get that you’re mad at me, I just wanted to…”

Jade slammed her locker door shut. “Just go away, Vega! You think I want to talk to you? Now get out of my face before it’s too late.”

A brief hurt look flickered across Tori’s face, and then she turned around and walked away.

Jade breathed a sigh of relief. She was surprised that she had even been able to force out those 22 words before her mind had been overwhelmed with every detail of Tori’s face and hair and shirt…  _ Ugh! Stop it! I have to get her out of my head. _ Jade shook her head to try to erase Tori from her mind, but she was unsuccessful. The girl’s perfect skin, wonderful deep brown eyes, and amazingly beautiful facial structure were ingrained in her mind as deeply as… well, deeper than Beck’s features, honestly.  _ Fuck. That’s not good. Why the fuck does she have to claw her way into my mind when I’m trying to keep her out? And why can’t she just leave me alone? _

Jade banged her head against her locker in frustration, then shook her head again and walked to her next class, hoping there would be some distraction that could clear Tori from her thoughts, at least for the moment.

********************************************************************************************************

_ That didn’t go well _ . Tori was sitting in her music theory class, trying to pay attention to what the teacher was saying about syncopated rhythms but failing miserably. All she could think about was her failed attempt to apologize to Jade.

_ Well, I knew it would be hard. And I knew it might take more than one try. So why am I so upset about this? _ As if it were her mind’s way of responding to her thoughts, Tori immediately recalled what Jade had said to her:  _ “You think I want to talk to you?” _ Tori had never seen Jade angrier, even during the alphabetical improv or when Tori had kissed Beck.  _ Why does she hate me more  _ now _ than she did then? It doesn’t make any sense. _

“Miss Vega, are you with us?”

Tori’s head snapped up. “Uh… what?”

Tori heard a few snickers from around the room. She shrunk back in her seat in embarrassment, and she felt guilty that she hadn’t heard what the teacher was saying.  _ I was trying, it’s just… I couldn’t get Jade out of my mind. Why does her rejection sting so much? _

“I was  _ asking _ whether you would like to explain to us the difference between the rhythms in bars 36 and 42.”

Tori quickly scanned the sheet music in front of her until she found the right measures. They looked exactly the same, except… was that dot in a different place?

“Um, I think… maybe they’re opposites?”

“How so?”

_ How am I supposed to know that? I suck at rhythms. Of course today’s the day I had to be distracted. _ Tori stared at the page again, hoping the answer would speak to her, or something like that. But no, today was not her lucky day. Tori sighed. “I don’t really know.”

The teacher frowned. “I see. Maybe next time you’ll find it helpful to pay attention during the lesson.”

Tori gulped. She hated when teachers were disappointed in her. “Yeah… I’m sorry.”

Out of the corners of her eyes, Tori saw some people rolling their eyes at her or mocking her, but she tried to block them out. She already felt bad about not paying attention, and that only piled on top of her pre-existing disappointment from being rejected by Jade.  _ I can fix it though. I can make her listen to my apology. I have to, somehow. _

********************************************************************************************************

After school, Jade sat down at her desk and got out a spiral notebook. Even though she eventually typed up her plays, she always preferred to brainstorm and write drafts on paper. It felt more… authentic. She felt that with a notebook and a ballpoint pen, the words that flowed out of her mind and through her arm onto the page were more authentic and clean. Writing was her art, and computers were, in her opinion, ugly contraptions that soured anything beautiful that she could create. So there were no computers involved until they absolutely had to be.

What to write about? How do you make a chicken interesting? How do you tell a story about a chicken? Actually, how do you tell a story  _ through _ a chicken?

_ Hmm… it doesn’t have to be about the chickens at all. _ Jade closed her eyes, leaned back in her desk chair, and let her mind wander:

_ Elephants. Those are pretty tusks. And dangerous, too. Not quite as dangerous as spears, maybe, but elephants are much stronger than humans, so they make more formidable foes. If they’re angry. But most of the time they’re not. They’re generally very peaceful. You would never expect an elephant to attack you if you weren’t threatening it. But maybe that’s what makes it so dangerous. You can’t expect it. You never know it’s coming. _

_ Like Vega. That obnoxious devil. She looks all innocent and sweet with her cool shoes and cute outfits, and then she just randomly decides to kiss your boyfriend. There’s nothing but cruelty there. You’d never expect it, but it’s true. _

_ But why can’t I get her out of my fucking head? She walks up to me and says “Hi, Jade,” and then my brain turns to mush and every inch of my mental real estate gets devoted to her. I can’t escape her! Fuck, even now, at home, she’s dominating my thoughts. Oh my god, she’s like a parasite. I’ll never get away from her. _

_ Do I want to get away from her? Wait… did I follow her around at school yesterday? Oh great, that’s exactly what I did. What the hell is wrong with me? I fricking hate her and yet I follow her around like a lost puppy, as if I can’t live without her. _

_ I’m an idiot. A complete moron. There’s no other possible explanation for this. And I’m so utterly, completely lost… _

Jade was spiraling quickly, and she knew it. She knew that if she didn’t do something to externalize her emotions, she would surely crash in a matter of seconds.  _ I can’t have that happen to me. Not now. _ And when confronted with such a situation, the only thing Jade knew how to do was write. So write she did. She had no clue what she was writing about, but she just wrote every word that popped in her brain without a second thought. The more she could write the better, and the quicker the better as well. Jade’s hand flew across her paper as she scrawled furiously, pushing out all her thoughts and feelings through her pen.

_ I’m a confused idiot. That’s as a good a place to begin as any, I suppose. _

********************************************************************************************************

**One Very Confused, Idiotic Chicken**

by Jade West

**Dramatis Personae:**

**NELLY** : Zell’s best friend; an unlucky chicken whose only consolation after being murdered is that its death was short and painless, which may in fact be better than the intense agony that its surviving friend must bear daily.

**DELL** : a chicken.

**MEL** : a chicken.

**KEL** : a chicken.

**BELLE** : a chicken.

**ZELL** : a confused, idiotic chicken and our heroine.

**ADELAIDE DENEB** : a cruel farmer.

  
  


**A note to the director:**

Have fun casting this play. I see two possible solutions to the chicken problem: either get a really good chicken trainer and an audience who’s fluent in chicken-speak, or find several professional actors who are willing to portray chickens onstage. I’m not sure which would pose more of a challenge, so I’ll leave it up to you to take your pick.

  
  


**SCENE 1**

**ZELL** : Have you seen Nelly recently?

**BELLE** :  _ (to MEL) _ Oh no, I guess she hasn’t heard...

**ZELL** : Heard what?

**MEL** : Do you want to break the news? Or should I?

**ZELL** :  _ (getting impatient) _ What news?

**BELLE** :  _ (sighs) _ I guess I can tell her.

**ZELL** : Tell me what!?

**BELLE** : How should I put this... Well, you know Nelly?

**ZELL** :  _ (exasperated) _ Yes, that’s who I’m asking about!

**BELLE** : Uh, well, she’s... Not coming back to the coop any more.

**ZELL** : What do you mean?

_ (BELLE looks at MEL, unsure of how to continue.) _

**MEL** : She encountered Farmer Deneb . . . And now she’s hanging in the farmhouse kitchen.

_ (ZELL freezes in shock.) _

**BELLE** : She’s not taking it too well, is she?

**MEL** : No, but what can you expect? Nelly was Zell’s best bud; there were never any two hens closer than Nelly and Zell.

**BELLE** : You’re right. This must be hard on her.  _ (To ZELL) _ Let me know if you need anything, okay? For now I’ll be looking for some feed.

_ (ZELL nods slightly.) _

_ (MEL and BELLE exit downstage left.) _

_ (ZELL thinks for a moment, then heads upstage right toward the farmhouse. She walks around, trying to find the door, then she enters. The set of the farmhouse is open to the audience, allowing them to see what takes place inside. There is only one room. The kitchen area is nearest to the door, with a couple medium countertops and some cooking utensils, as well as a small oven and stove. There is also a small table with one chair behind it, as well as an easy chair, a lamp, and a thin bed with a couple ragged blankets draped across it. FARMER DENEB is inside, fiddling with a knob of the stove. She looks up in surprise as ZELL enters the room.) _

**FARMER DENEB** : Oh, why hello there, Madame Hen. What are you doing out of your coop?

_ (ZELL looks up at FARMER DENEB with a mix of anger and wonder in her eyes.) _

**ZELL** : You killed my friend, you evil monster!

**FARMER DENEB** : I’m sorry, your squawking is quite difficult to understand. Maybe if you speak up a little, I will better be able to hear you.

**ZELL** :  _ (in a dreamy voice) _ Your house… is so luxurious… it is like a palace.

**FARMER DENEB** : What’s that you’re saying? Here, let me pick you up.

_ (FARMER DENEB reaches down and picks up ZELL so she is sitting on the counter. ZELL gazes into FARMER DENEB’s eyes.) _

**ZELL** : Your eyes… are beautiful… 

**FARMER DENEB** : I’m sorry, I still cannot understand you, so unfortunately this conversation must come to an end. But you came so far… it seems like such a waste of your effort to just take you back to the coop…

_ (FARMER DENEB takes a large knife out of a rack on the counter. ZELL’s eyes widen with realization and she jumps off the counter and runs out of the farmhouse. She doesn’t stop running until she reaches the other end of the stage, at which point she collapses on the ground, shaking.) _

**— END OF SCENE 1 —**

********************************************************************************************************

  
Jade stared down at her paper.  _ Did I just write that? Was that all me?… I can’t decide whether that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever written or whether this is way too autobiographical to turn in to my teacher. Oh, that sounds pathetic. My life is now just a stupid play about a stupid chicken who can’t listen to common sense and is just so damn stupid!  _ Jade lay her head in her hands and rested her elbows on the surface of the desk.  _ What’s wrong with me? Why can’t my life story be a chicken who lives in freedom and does fun things all day and is happy? And how come the only thing I can think about is the only thing I hate to think about; why can’t Vega just get the hell out of my thoughts so I can concentrate on other things?... Well, maybe tomorrow will be better. There’s no reason to believe it will be, but there’s always hope. After all, Zell’s life can’t get any suckier from here, right? Right!? God, I hope not. But there’s no way to tell what tomorrow will bring. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, that was all definitely very different from the previous chapters. Don’t worry, 1x3 (stage fighting!) will come soon enough, but it requires the proper build up, and apparently that means chickens. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and thank you so much for reading!


	4. No One Says Dear Anymore

“Earth to Tori!”

Tori looked up from her plate, confused. She had completely forgotten she was at dinner with her family… that is, until Trina rudely interrupted her thoughts.

“Huh?”

Trina rolled her eyes. “Are you going to have your pretzel roll? Because if not, someone else might want it.”

Tori looked back down at her plate. “Uh… I’m not hungry.”

Trina grinned and snatched the roll from in front of Tori, then made a big show of tearing off a giant chunk of it and stuffing it in her mouth. “Mmmm,” she said, speaking around her food. “‘This is delicious.”

Tori ignored her sister, focusing instead on her faint reflection in her glass plate. She was about to settle into her thoughts again when her mom interrupted.

“Are you okay, Tori?”

Tori didn’t look up this time. “I don’t know. I’m just thinking.”

“What’s wrong? You know, you can tell us anything.”

Tori debated whether or not to confide in her family what was on her mind, and then finally decided it could do no harm. “It’s about Jade.”

Tori’s parents exchanged a confused glance. “Who’s Jade?”

Tori opened her mouth to respond, but then Trina interjected. “Jade WEST? You’re upset about  _ Jade West? _ ”

“I’m sorry, who is this person?” Tori’s mom asked, even more confused now.

“She’s only the meanest person in the school! She insults everyone and could kill a plant with a single glare!” Trina proclaimed.

Tori’s dad raised an eyebrow. “She’s that bad, huh? Did she hurt you?”

Tori swallowed. “No…”

“What’s wrong, then?” This from Tori’s mom.

“She hates me.”

Trina gaped at Tori. “You’re upset because she hates you?! Jade hates  _ everyone _ !”

_ Not the same way she hates me. I actually deserve it… I was a jerk to her. _ But Tori knew better than to argue; this conversation wasn’t getting anywhere. She pushed her chair away from the table, then stood up and walked briskly to her room, ignoring the calls from the parents to come back to the dinner table.

********************************************************************************************************

In the quiet comfort of her room, Tori was able to focus her thoughts. She thought about her failed attempt to apologize earlier in the day.  _ I didn’t realize how mad she was at me. It seemed like it was worse than before. I guess the longer I go without apologizing, the worse it’s going to get. So I can’t let any more time pass. I need to apologize as soon as possible. But how? How am I supposed to do that when she refuses to look at me and just yells at me to go away when I start my apology? _ Tori sat pondering this question, then suddenly, an idea came to her in a sudden flash.  _ A note! I can write a note! Then she can’t interrupt me, and she’ll finally see that I really am sorry for what happened. It’s perfect! _

Grinning with pride and excitement about her new plan, Tori pulled out a piece of paper and began to write.

Dear Jade,

Tori paused suddenly and stared at what she had written.  _ Is that a thing people write? Is that archaic? Do kids even say that? Ugh, that sounds so stupid. No one says dear anymore. _ With one stroke of her eraser, Tori eliminated her first sentence and started again.

Jade,

I’m so sorry

Tori looked up again.  _ Is that good enough? Does that sound stupid? Does it sound sincere? How do I even apologize for kissing someone’s boyfriend? What kind of person does that to someone? Why should Jade even forgive me? She probably thinks I’m such a terrible person… I would think that if I were her. But that’s not me! At least, not usually. I just made a really stupid mistake. Wait, maybe I should say that. _ Tori crossed off her second line and tried again.

I’m really really really sorry that I kissed Beck during the improv exercise.

I don’t know why I did it, but it was really cruel of me, and it was a big mistake.

I didn’t mean to hurt you, and I feel really bad about it. 

_ That’s pretty good, right? What else should I add?... I guess I should say why I’m apologizing? _

The reason I’m telling you this is that I don’t want what I did to keep hurting you.

I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I hope that maybe eventually we don’t have to be enemies.

Again, I’m so, so sorry.

\-- Tori

_ Done! _ Tori breathed out a sigh of relief and pushed her chair backwards. She stood up and paced her room a couple times, thinking about what she had written. After a few minutes, she sat down again and rewrote the note onto a new piece of paper, taking special care to write neatly. When she was done, she folded the paper up into a small square, then printed  _ JADE _ in bold block letters on the front. She stuck the note into her backpack, then slowly got ready for bed.

********************************************************************************************************

That night, Tori had trouble sleeping. Even as she tried to relax, her mind was busy thinking up possible scenarios for how the next day would go.  _ Maybe she’ll tell me she forgives me! Maybe she’ll start talking to me again! Maybe she’ll read it and continue to ignore me, but stop hating me quite so much. No matter what happens, it’s bound to be better than the current situation. _

But just as Jade West was thinking a few neighborhoods away, there’s no way to tell what tomorrow will bring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is short; I had an insanely busy week, so I didn’t have much time to write a long chapter, but I still wanted to put something out for you all. I promise next week’s chapter will be longer!
> 
> In other news, this is the first chapter that’s purely Tori’s point of view. I hope you enjoyed it, and thank you so, so much for reading!


	5. 1x3: Stage Fighting

_ Jade _ . There it was. One word, her name, taped up onto her locker. A note from Tori. Jade longed to know what it said; she longed to pull the paper off her locker, unfold it, and read it three times over, to soak in all the words and cherish them. A note from Tori. The thought made Jade giddy. Tori had written something just for her.

But deep inside Jade, her nervous excitement was dulled by this other, growing feeling—this fear that if she read that note, she would never be able to get Tori out of her head; she would be powerless against a never-ending cascade of emotions and cycle of thoughts about Tori. The past couple days had already been hard enough, trying to stop thinking about Tori so she could make room for other things, but if she read this note? Jade didn’t think she would be able to function.

Jade knew she had to protect herself from her emotions. She couldn’t let Tori take over her thoughts completely. Even though it greatly pained her to do so, Jade knew destroying the note was the only possible course of action. She slowly detached the piece of paper from its spot amongst her locker scissor decorations and held it gingerly between her fingertips. Before she could change her mind, she tore it in half in one swift stroke.

Jade looked down at the paper.  _ Two pieces isn’t enough. I could still read it, if I wanted to. And oh my god, I really want to… No! _ And Jade ripped it again and again, until she was left with tiny pieces of confetti in her hands. She looked at the remains sadly.  _ I really wish I didn’t have to do that. But it was the only way. _

********************************************************************************************************

Right after Tori had taped the note onto Jade’s locker, she had hurried off to class, too afraid to stick around and see what Jade’s reaction would be. Maybe it was cowardly, but that’s how Tori felt; she didn’t think she would be able to bear the disappointment if Jade just read it, scoffed, and threw it away. So Tori had no clue what to expect from Jade later that day, when they had another class together.

When Tori got to the Blackbox Theater and saw a boy beating up Beck, one thought stuck out in her mind:  _ I must protect my friend. Well, I don’t know if he’s my friend, but I can’t let this guy attack him!  _ Tori jumped on his back and unsuccessfully tried to take him down, and when Beck told her it was just a performance, she felt incredibly stupid.  _ Great. I’ve made a fool of myself in front of the person who’s going to be teaching my class. Could it get any worse? _

Just at that moment, Jade waltzed into the room. Tori felt a need to defend her stupidity, and she quickly explained that she had assumed Beck was actually in danger. Wrong thing to say. Jade smirked at Tori and said, “Oh, you poor thing.” Tori grimaced.  _ So I guess she’s still upset at me, despite the note? What more am I supposed to do? _

After the teacher introduced their stage fighting unit, Jade jumped in with another attack. “And now Tori says, ‘what’s stage fighting?’” The mocking tone was deeply hurtful on its own, but it was even worse because Jade wasn’t wrong; she was just revealing Tori’s deep ignorance about everything related to the performing arts.  _ First she stares and judges during the bird scene, and now this. Nothing’s changed. _ As these thoughts fluttered through Tori’s mind, anger began to surface as well. If Jade still hated her despite an apology, was there any reason to try being nice any more?

Tori turned to Beck again, wanting to apologize once again for messing with his and Russ’ practice. She told him, “It looked like he was hurting you.”

Jade got up in Tori’s face. “Why do you care?”

_ That jerk. She doesn’t care about my apology, she just wants to be mean to me. Well, so be it. I can do this too. _ “I figure he already suffers enough pain dating you.”  _ Yeah, that’s a good comeback. _

Jade lunged forward, ready to attack. “You wanna see pain?” Suddenly, all Tori’s anger was replaced with panic.  _ I’m so dead _ .

Beck swooped in just in time, guiding Jade to a chair a couple yards away. Tori breathed a sigh of relief.  _ Why did I think it was a good idea to provoke her? It seems like she really would be willing to actually hurt me… and I’m sure she would’ve just now, if Beck hadn’t intervened. I’m so stupid… _

Out of the corner of her eye, Tori saw Andre sidle up next to her, trying to calm her down. Tori turned to her friend, desperate for answers. “Why does she hate me?”  _ Seriously. Shouldn’t an apology be enough to at least get her to not attack me? _

But Andre was no help. He just joked about her terrible french horn playing, which only made Tori feel more self conscious about her lack of general performing arts experience.  _ Everyone else here knew what stage fighting was. I didn’t, and it made me look like a total fool. And I can’t even play the stupid french horn! But still, that doesn’t come close to explaining why Jade hates me. I thought the note would fix it, but apparently not, and now this… maybe I should just try to avoid her? _

********************************************************************************************************

“Tori and Jade.” Jade’s eyebrows shot up.  _ I’m with Tori… great, now she’s going to bug me non-stop about the note. And I’ll have to spend a lot of time with her to practice.  _

Then Jade heard Tori’s timid response from across the room: “Tori and who?”  _ She’s even more freaked out about this than I am. Good to know.  _ And although Jade may not have known how to deal with her own feelings, what she  _ did _ know how to do very well was get under people’s skin. So that’s what she did. Jade faked a smile, looked over at Tori, then turned her smile into a smirk. 

It worked. Just as the bell rang, Tori squeaked out to the teacher, “Uh, wait… I’m not comfortable with my partner.” Jade was happy with the results, but she wanted to push Tori further. She took a second to brace herself—to prepare herself so she wouldn’t lose her confident facade once she looked Tori in the face. Then she went for it. While the teacher was distracted talking to Russ, Jade slid up next to Tori.

“Hey,  _ partner _ . I can’t wait for our fight… scene.” She made a point to make it seem as if she had almost forgotten the last word, then smirked again and walked away.

As Jade was leaving the room, she saw Beck roll his eyes at what she had said before he joined her. No, Beck wasn’t fooled by her act, but Tori was, and that’s all that mattered.

********************************************************************************************************

When Tori arrived at the Blackbox Theater after school to work on the scene, she saw Jade was already sitting there, fiddling with a pair of scissors.

“Uh, hi, Jade,” Tori said tentatively.

Jade didn’t bother looking up. “Hey, partner,” she said, her voice dripping with sarcasm.

_ This again? Will she ever tire of calling me partner and use my real name? _ “So, uh…” Tori considered asking about her note, but then she thought better of it.  _ If she’s not acting any nicer toward me, then talking about the note won’t do any good. It will probably only make her angrier. _

This time, Jade looked up and held eye contact. “Got anything intelligent to say?”

_ Ouch. So she’s just gonna keep rubbing in my ineptitude, huh? _ Tori remained silent, unable to figure out what in the world she was supposed to say to that.

Jade smirked. “Yeah, that’s what I thought.”

Tori desperately wished she could think of a snarky comeback—anything to defend herself—but her mind was blank. But luckily, Russ picked just that moment to walk into the room.

“Ready to make your stage fighting scene?” he asked enthusiastically.

Jade rolled her eyes, but Tori nodded.

“Great. Do either of you have any ideas you’d like to build off of?”

Tori opened her mouth to say that no, she did not have any ideas, but Jade was faster to speak.

“Someone mugs an old grandma.”

Tori looked at Jade, horrified. “Are you serious?”

Jade smiled widely. “Of course, Vega. What could be more fun than that?”

_ Okay, so now we’re on a last name basis? Is that even an improvement over “partner”? _

Russ jumped into the conversation again, still full of energy. “That idea has a lot of potential. It’s simple and elegant. Tori, are you on board?”

Tori considered it for a second, then shrugged. “Fine, I guess. So who’s playing which part?”

Jade smiled slyly. “I’ll be the mugger. That way you can be the innocent grandma coming home from her bingo game.” Her last sentence was full of mockery once again, which Tori hated. But what was she supposed to do? If she said no to Jade’s idea, Russ would ask her to suggest an alternative, and she had none. She had already made a big enough fool of herself earlier that day; she didn’t need to make herself seem any less competent.

“Uh… okay.”

Russ nodded. “Perfect. Now, let’s work on the choreography.”

********************************************************************************************************

_ Tori plays a really unconvincing grandma. I guess part of it could be that she looks too young and pretty _ — _ wait, that’s not what I meant. Tori’s not pretty. _

“Jade, it’s great that you’re getting into your part, but I’m going to need you to tone the aggression down a couple notches. You’re not  _ actually _ attacking Tori.” Jade looked over at Russ, then looked down to her hands, which were squeezing Tori’s shoulders so tightly that Tori’s skin was turning red and Jade’s own knuckles were white. She eased off the pressure. She hadn’t even realized she was being more intense than usual…  _ I gotta stop letting my anger carry into the scene. If I keep this up, I’m going to end up actually punching her. I don’t actually want to hurt her… because of the grade deduction. That’s it. I don’t want to lose half a letter grade. Straight A’s in the arts classes are too important. I can’t let Tori get in the way of that. _

“Geez Jade, are you trying to kill me?” Jade saw genuine fear in Tori’s eyes.  _ Hmm… maybe there’s a way I can use this to get her to stay away from me for good. Then I won’t have to deal with her invading my thoughts anymore.  _

“Now why would I ever want to do that?” Jade responded sweetly. Then she grinned evilly. Tori gulped.  _ There we go. She’s sufficiently spooked. Now I’ve just got to come up with a solid plan for the performance tomorrow. I can do this. I can get Tori Vega to hate me so much that she’ll keep away. _

********************************************************************************************************

Later that night, Jade stuffed into her book bag the little fake blood kit she had prepared.  _ Tomorrow will be very fun. But first… I’ve got to work on that stupid chicken play _ . Jade cursed her play-writing teacher for making them continue their plays. The teacher had claimed that “one scene isn’t enough to get to know your chickens,” but Jade wished it could be over.  _ I’ll just write it quickly and get it done.  _

**SCENE 2**

**MEL** : What’s got you looking so cheerful today?

**ZELL** :  _ (grinning) _ I’ve got a plan.

**MEL** : A plan?

**DELL** : Oh dear, I hope it doesn’t involve Farmer Deneb.

**ZELL** : Well… 

**MEL** : Zell, are you out of your mind? You’ve had way too many close encounters with Farmer Deneb to risk another!   


**BELLE** : Yeah, she almost killed you like five times… 

**MEL** : I was trying not to use the k word, but you know, Belle is right.

**ZELL** : Oh, don’t worry. I won’t be the one who’s dying.

**DELL** : What did you just say?

**ZELL** : Oh yes, now I’ve got your attention.

**MEL** : What… what are you planning?

**ZELL** : I’ve got a plot to assassinate the farmer.

**— END OF SCENE 2 —**

********************************************************************************************************

The next morning during study hall, Tori walked into the Blackbox Theater slowly, dreading her final rehearsal with Jade. Russ wasn’t going to be there this time, so if Jade decided she wanted to actually hurt her… well, there would be nothing to stop her, and no witnesses.  _ Great _ .

Just like the day before, Jade was sitting in one of the chairs by the stage area, but this time she didn’t have any scissors on her.  _ I guess that’s a good thing? Now at least I know she won’t stab me. _ Jade looked up at Tori as she entered, her expression completely blank. It freaked Tori out; in her mind, Jade looked like a lion staring through the bars of its cage in a zoo, analyzing how best to rip her into a thousand pieces. 

Tori felt desperate to break the silence. “Did you get your knee pads?”

Jade rolled her eyes and pulled them out of her book bag. “Any other stupid questions, or can we actually get started?”

“Yeah, okay.” Tori went over to the prop area and pulled out the cane she had been using as a prop. She bent over awkwardly and began to say her lines robotically.

“Stop! Are you trying to get us a bad grade, or can you just not act?

Tori shut up and stood to look Jade in the face. She tried to hide her nerves as she responded, ‘You know what? I’ll act when we’re doing the actual performance, but right now, all that matters is the choreographed fighting. I know you don’t want to be doing this, but do you think I do? So why don’t we just get this over with so we can go about our days?”

Tori saw a brief stunned look flicker across Jade’s face, but it was soon replaced by yet another smirk. “Okay,  _ partner _ , whatever you say.” 

Tori wasn’t sure exactly why, but something about the way Jade said  _ partner _ made it sound like a dirty insult. She tried to brush it off, but that word, along with Jade’s evil smile, was ingrained in her mind the rest of the morning, and it carried with it a sense of foreboding.  _ When we do the actual performance, I’m dead meat. _

********************************************************************************************************

“If you hate her so much, why don’t you just stop talking about her?”

Jade looked up from her salad to meet Beck’s gaze. “Because I have to do the performance with her!”

“But weren’t you talking about her yesterday at lunch before you got that assignment?”

“That’s different.”

“Is it?”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously Jade, what’s going on with you?”

“Oh, now you’re turning this into my problem?”

“It’s not about—”

“So I try to talk about how annoying T—Vega is, and you turn it on me. Greaaaat. Good to know that you’ve got my back.”

“I do! I’m just trying to—”

“To defend her. Yeah, I get it.”

“Stop interrupting me! I want to help you deal with whatever’s wrong, but if you won’t  _ tell _ me, then I can’t help.”

Jade remained silent.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

Beck sighed. “Okay. Let me know if you change your mind.”

Jade stabbed her lettuce again with her fork, then scooched closer to Beck and leaned her head against his shoulder. He wrapped his right arm around her side, not quite pulling her toward him, but just encompassing her in a comforting half-hug. Jade closed her eyes. Things with Tori may not make any sense at all, but Beck was here for her, and he always would be.

********************************************************************************************************

As Jade watched Andre’s (admittedly quite entertaining) stage fighting scene, she began to wonder whether she could really carry out her plan.  _ Is it right to make everyone believe Tori actually hit me? Is it right to force her to take a penalty to her grade, just to get her to keep away from me? How much more selfish could I get?  _ As Andre was thrown into a breakaway table, the loud crashing sound jarred Jade’s thoughts back on track.  _ I’ve never cared this much about other people. I don’t have to care about Tori. If her grade suffers, that’s just her punishment for being totally unbearable. _

Although Jade didn’t feel totally convinced, there was no more time to second-guess herself; it was showtime.  _ It’s just a quick application of makeup, then some fake fainting and other assorted acting. I can do that. Forget about Tori; it’s just another performance. _

“Alright, next up, we have Tori and Jade.” Jade stood up, feigning a self-assured smile. She glanced over at Tori, who looked down nervously. This made Jade smile for real.  _ Ah, poor Vega. She has no idea what’s coming. _

********************************************************************************************************

_ A breakaway chair. She gave me a breakaway chair to sit in after she “hit me” in the eye. Maybe she really is a terrible, mean person. I mean, not even I would give someone a breakaway chair when they were injured. Probably. Well… it doesn’t matter what I would do. Tori clearly deserves this. _

********************************************************************************************************

_ I swear I didn’t hit Jade! But not even Andre will believe me. What kind of best friend won’t believe that you’re not some violent monster? I’m not Jade, for goodness’ sake. _ It didn’t matter though; Tori was still called into the guidance counselor’s office that next morning. Lane claimed she had “violence issues.”  _ Violence issues!? Again, that’s Jade they should be talking to, not me. Well, I guess I’ve never actually seen her hurt anyone. But I could totally imagine her doing so. That seems like her. And I could have sworn she was going to hurt me today! _

Lane went on and on about how Tori might have accidentally hit Jade because she was so nervous about Jade maybe hitting her.  _ Is that possible? Could I really have hit her? _ Tori wasn’t quite convinced, but she had to say something to get out of there; being told over and over about her “violence issues” was unsettling, so she “admitted” to having hit Jade on purpose.  _ It’s not like I’m going to convince them that I’m innocent, so I guess I might as well just go with it. What other options do I have? _

But two weeks of detention and clean-up duty. That was brutal. Tori had never gotten detention before in her life, so she was upset to break that streak. But it was so much worse because she knew she didn’t even deserve it. 

********************************************************************************************************

_ Fuck. Andre figured out it was all fake. I’m so screwed. A bad grade in the class and months upon months of detention, plus everyone hating my guts more than normal, here I come. _

********************************************************************************************************

_ She didn’t tell on me?  _ Jade was stunned. Here she was on Friday night, sitting in her room, while Tori was at the Blackbox Theater, scraping the remnants of a theatrical food fight off the walls.  _ Why the heck didn’t she tell on me? I would’ve… I guess she really isn’t that bad after all. But taking the blame? I can’t believe she’s doing that. _

The sound of Jade’s ringtone cut through her thoughts. She tried to ignore it, but then she sighed and picked up her phone to check who it was.  _ Beck. What does he want? _

“Yeah? What?”

“Jade, did you really fake it?”

Jade remained silent.  _ Who told him? _

“Jade, I’m not going to ask again.”

“Then don’t.”

“So that’s a yes. You faked it.”

Jade waited a couple seconds, then finally said, “Who told you?”

Beck sighed. “Andre did.”

_ Of course he did. I bet he went around and told the whole school. Well, actually, that doesn’t seem like his style. Maybe just Beck and Tori. _ “What do you care?”

“Why did you do it, Jade?”

“Because I’m evil and I want to make everyone suffer.”

“Oh come on Jade, we both know that’s not true.”

Jade snorted. “Everyone else thinks that.”

“So why do you play into it?”

“Why bother resisting? If they’re just going to peg me as that kind of person…”

“You don’t normally act this way.”

“Really.” Jade said it as if it were half a statement, half a question.

“Really. So why now?”

“You only care ‘cuz it’s Tori.”

“Seriously, Jade, you gotta stop with this. I don’t like Tori that way, and you know it.”

“It sure seemed like you liked kissing her during alphabetical improv.”

“That was a  _ stage kiss _ . It meant nothing.”

“Yeah, just like the stage fighting was fake and meant nothing.”

“You clearly did this to hurt Tori.”

“So? That’s why she kissed you during improv. To hurt me.”

Beck was silent for a moment. Then: “I guess you’re right. I never thought about it that way.”

“Yeah, ‘cuz you were so caught up in defending Tori.”

“You know what, Jade? I’m just trying to help here. I’m sorry about the kiss, but bringing it up over and over again isn’t going to help anyone.”

“Then why did you even call, if you didn’t want to hear what I have to say?”

“Wait… is that why you did this, to get revenge on Tori for kissing me?”

“Well… not completely.”

“So what’s actually going on? Are you going to tell me, or should I just hang up?”

“Nothing’s going on.”

“Uh huh. Just like the past couple weeks at lunch where all you do is stare angrily at Tori and mutilate your food.”

“Because she’s a jerk.”

“Yeah. I’m sure that’s what most people would say about this situation. Tori is a jerk because you faked an injury to get her in trouble.”

“I thought it would work,” Jade muttered softly.

“Thought what would work?”

“Never mind.”

“Okay, then. Goodnight, Jade.”

“Yeah, whatever.”

After Beck hung up, Jade threw her phone back down onto her bed.  _ How come it’s so hard to get Tori to hate me? No one else has ever had any problem hating me; they just do it automatically. So what makes Tori so different? _

Jade suddenly remembered the note from that morning.  _ No one has ever bothered to leave me a note before. And we’re not even friends. Far from it, actually. But she’s… reaching out to me? Why does she even want to know me? Ever since she’s come to this school, I’ve only been a jerk to her. Why does she keep being nice? _

Jade needed answers. She rose off her bed, grabbed a flannel and pulled it over her tank top, and pulled a bag over her shoulder. She snuck out of her room and across the hall—not that her parents would really care that she was leaving the house; they couldn’t care less how she spent her Friday nights, so long as she wasn’t getting another piercing.

Jade stepped outside into the crisp evening air and took a deep breath.  _ Ah, the wonderful smells of darkness and night. _ She locked up the front door, then pulled her car keys out of her bag and got into the driver seat. As she drove, she tried not to think about what exactly she was getting herself into.

********************************************************************************************************

_ This is so gross. _ Tori tried not to think about what type of food she was peeling off the wall, but there wasn’t much else to focus on.  _ This sucks. And it’s not even supposed to be my punishment. _ Tori sighed.  _ But if this is what I need to do to settle the score after I made the stupid mistake of kissing Beck, then so be it. I’ll take the blame for Jade, and then she can stop hating me. Or she can keep hating me, but at least she won’t actually have a good reason to. Either way is fine. _

Tori suddenly heard the sound of a muffled step behind her—not the click of a high-heel, but the soft clop of a boot. Tori turned around. Black leggings, the bottom of a studded satchel. She lifted her gaze, her eyes quickly rising from the red shirt and flannel to the choker on the girl’s neck to her face.  _ Jade. What in the world is she doing here? _

After a moment of tense silence. Jade finally spoke. Tori was relieved; she had no clue what she would’ve said if Jade had just continued to stare at her.

Throughout their stiff conversation, Tori tried not to let too much feeling show through her words or expression, but deep down she was glad that Jade was here (and not being a jerk).  _ If Jade cares enough to come talk to me, then… well, maybe she doesn’t hate me? But that doesn’t make any sense. It sure seemed like she hated me earlier. Boy, Jade is so confusing. One second she’s mocking me and plotting how best to make me suffer, and then she just shows up here… and now she’s helping me clean up? _

Tori looked over at Jade with a questioning glance, but Jade only smirked.  _ Yup. There we go, she can’t even do something nice for someone without mixing in some mockery. All these mixed signals are giving me a headache. _

“This… might be more fun with some tunes.” Tori looked up at Jade as the girl waltzed over to the wall, tripped and nearly fell, caught herself with her hand against the wall, and played it off as all part of the plan. Tori smiled as the music started.

When Jade came away from the wall with her hair covering half her face, then picked up her towel and started swinging it in a circle, bouncing her head along to the beat, Tori suddenly felt as if the rest of the world had stopped; all she could see was Jade, dancing goofily—and Tori was instantly dazzled by her beauty.  _ I’ve never seen anyone so pretty in my life… how did I never notice before how beautiful she is? _

A few minutes later, in the middle of the dance-party-slash-food-cleaning-bonanza, Tori felt a soft tap on the shoulder. She turned to her left to find Jade staring at her. Tori was confused for a second, then shifted her gaze to follow Jade’s gestures; she saw the security guard who was supposed to be supervising, totally absorbed as he jammed out and scraped the food off the wall. Tori understood; she picked up her bag as Jade did the same, and then the two danced out of the room together.  _ Dancing casually with Jade. I never would’ve imagined that would be something I would do, but boy, is it fun. _

********************************************************************************************************

When they got outside of the school, Jade split off from Tori and began to head to her car. Tori knew she should just let Jade go so as not to anger her, but she couldn’t help but call her back. She needed an answer to the question that had been bugging her for the past few days.

“Jade.”

Jade immediately stopped walking, now about ten feet away from her in the parking lot, but she didn’t turn around.

Tori took a deep breath.  _ How do I say this so as not to make her mad at me again? Here goes nothing _ . “Did you ever read the note?”

Immediately after those words left Tori’s mouth, she wished she could swallow them back up.  _ Now I just sound annoying and desperate. _

There was a long stretch of silence. Just when Tori had become convinced Jade was never going to respond, she heard a quiet “no.”

“You… you never read it?”

“That’s what I just said, Vega.”

“So… you don’t know what the note said?”

“How would I?” Even though Jade’s back was to Tori, Tori could almost tell from Jade’s tone of voice that Jade was rolling her eyes at her.

“Jade.”

Jade finally turned around. “What the hell do you want from me, Vega?”

_ Oh great, now she’s mad at me. I’ve already blown it. _ “I just wanted to apologize…”

Jade furrowed her brow and tilted her head slightly, asking a silent question:  _ apologize about what? _

“You know, for… kissing Beck.” Tori mumbled the last two words, but she hoped they were still audible.

In the dim light of the light fixtures outside the school, Tori could just make out Jade’s eyes widening, but she didn’t supply any auditory reaction.

“That’s what the note was about,” Tori concluded. 

Still no response.  _ What is she thinking? I wish she would just say something; even if she yelled at me, at least I would know how I stand with her. This is just confusing. _

When the silence felt too awkward to bear, Tori blurted out, “I just wanted you to know.”

As Tori finished her sentence, Jade suddenly turned around again and walked back to her car. Tori watched, stunned and perplexed. As Jade ducked into the driver’s seat of her car, Tori thought she could just make out the sound of a string of curses, rounded out by “fuck you, Vega.”  _ Ouch. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! This one’s quite a bit longer than usual, and it was insanely fun to write. I hope you all enjoyed it.
> 
> Also, starting next week, I’m going to update on Fridays instead of Wednesdays. Until then!


	6. We Can't Go On Like This

Late Sunday night, Jade was lying on her back and staring at the ceiling, unable to fall asleep. In fact, she hadn’t been getting much sleep for the past couple of nights. Even though receiving an apology from Tori should have been an improvement, Jade felt so much worse off than before. 

Since Tori’s apology, a little of Jade’s anger had subsided, but not much; Jade had never been good at letting go of grudges. Yet the apology left Jade feeling worse off than before; she now  _ technically _ had no justification for hating Tori. And even in the small sliver of Jade’s mind that had been freed up as her anger lessened, there was still no relief. Instead of giving her the comfort of emptiness, that corner of Jade’s thoughts were being rapidly filled with new ones: thoughts about how sincere and caring Tori had seemed when she was apologizing; how Tori was pretty much the first person to ever apologize to Jade; how innocent and sweet Tori had looked at the Blackbox Theater with her hair tucked into a messy ponytail. 

And those thoughts only brought a crap ton of confusion into Jade’s life, which was made more extreme by her lack of sleep.  _ Why the fuck can’t I stop thinking about her? How come all of those new thoughts about Vega are positive? Why can’t I stop thinking all these great things about her when I still hate her guts? _ Jade drew her hands up to the top of her head and pushed her fingers aggressively through her hair.  _ Why can’t I get her out of my fucking head so I can go to sleep!?  _

Jade rolled over onto her side, propped herself up on her elbow, and looked desperately at her alarm clock.  _ How much longer do I have to try to sleep before I have to get ready for school? _ The numbers were a bit blurry, so Jade rubbed her tired eyes with her other hand. 3:27.  _ Fuck. I’ve got fewer than 3 hours. _

Jade pushed off of the hand she was using to prop herself up and flipped over to her stomach, letting her face drop onto the pillow with a thud. As her eyes closed again, she was immediately greeted with an image of Tori’s face, honest and open. A burst of some strange feeling rocketed through Jade’s chest and throat and found a home right at the front of Jade’s mind, where it began to mingle with her other thoughts and feelings, converting them into copies of itself until that little nugget of emotion was all Jade could feel.

What were these new feelings? They were far different from anger and hatred; if only it were one of those. Jade was used to anger; she knew how to deal with it, and it felt normal and comfortable. But whatever these feelings were… they felt alien to Jade, and that scared her. But no matter how hard Jade tried to suppress them, she failed; these new, confusing feelings had taken root, and they were here to stay. 

*******************************************************************************************************

“Hi Jade!”

Jade shoved the rest of her books in her locker and slammed the door, then turned around to face Cat. She leaned against her locker. “Yeah. Hi,” Jade croaked out, trying and failing to keep the tiredness out of her voice.

Cat looked at Jade’s face searchingly. “Are you okay?”

Jade smiled slightly, in the way that tired people often smile to conceal their lack of sleep.  _ Perfect timing for her to ask that question. Just when pretty much everything in my life feels not okay right now. _ “I’ll be fine. What’s that you’ve got?”

Cat brightened at the question and eagerly held out the shiny blue keychain that she had been gripping in her fist. “I got it at the zoo! It has my name on it!”

Jade took the keychain from Cat and examined it. It had small photographs of lions and tigers, and in gleaming silver print at the bottom it said “Cat.” At the end of the word, Jade could faintly see an “s” that had been covered up with a black sharpie. Jade nodded at Cat. “Fierce.”

Cat giggled. “I tried to find one that had your name on it, but there weren’t any. Only ones that said monkeys and hippos. Have you ever heard of anyone named Hippos?”

“I haven’t. Too bad.”

“Yeah. Well, see you in class!” Cat exclaimed, then skipped away to find someone else to show her keychain to.

*******************************************************************************************************

Talking to Cat had almost made Jade forget about her woes, but when Tori sat down in front of Jade during Sikowitz’s class, they all came flooding back. Jade quickly directed her eyes downward and stared into her coffee cup, trying to focus on the casual swirling of the liquid as she gently shook the cup, hoping it would distract her from thoughts about Tori.

Then Sikowitz took up the role of epic distraction. He stepped in front of the class, proclaiming, “Today we will be doing two-person improv scenes! With your partner, you will be investigating the intricacies of the human condition.”

Jade noticed the other people in the class staring at each other questioningly, and she even felt a few pairs of eyes focusing on her.  _ They expect me to make a sarcastic comment. I’ve got to be able to come up with something _ . Jade racked her brain for something to say, but her mind was moving too slowly.

When Sikowitz realized that no one was going to react to what he had said, he simply continued. “Nah, I’m just kidding! You’re going to pick your first line from out of a box, and then you’ll have to create a scene around it. Now then. Who’d like to go first?”

Jade bit her lip and slouched a little more in her chair, desperately hoping she wouldn’t be called on. If she couldn’t even think of an obnoxious comment at the beginning of class, there was no way she would be able to think quickly enough to do improv.

“Tori and Jade!”

Jade blinked.  _ Did I hear that correctly? No, I must have heard wrong. _ Out of the corner of her eye, Jade saw Tori standing up and walking to the stage in the front of the room. And then she heard Tori’s voice, slicing like a knife through the foggy cloud of tired thoughts that was occupying Jade’s mind.

“Jade? Are you coming?”

_ Fuck. It  _ is _ me that he called. Well, what am I supposed to do now? I’m screwed. _

Jade rose slowly from her seat, then concentrated on her feet as she placed one in front of the other on the way to the stage. Then she looked at the floor. Then out the window. Anywhere other than at Tori.

“Wonderful. Now, Tori, your first line.” Sikowitz held out what looked like the bottom of an old shoe box, filled nearly to the top with a bunch of slips of paper, folded in half. So many pieces of paper, each of which would result in a completely different scene. So many possibilities.  _ Tori better pick something decent. _

Even though Jade was  _ trying _ not to look at Tori, she couldn’t help but notice that Tori seemed a little bit nervous as she reached out her hand and selected a slip of paper.

Sikowitz nodded, then walked to the back of the classroom and stood near the door to watch their performance. “You may now unfold the paper and start your scene,” he said, then clapped his hands together once and smiled expectantly.

_ Okay, I probably have to look at her during the scene, right? At least at the beginning. I can look away after we start off the dialogue. _ Jade watched as Tori slowly unfolded the piece of paper she was gripping. She noticed that the girl’s eyes widened a bit as she read it.  _ Uh oh. That’s not a good sign. _

“Uh, Sikowitz?” Tori asked uneasily. “Can I choose a different one?”   


“Nope!” the teacher responded emphatically. “You selected it, not me! Your choice is final!”

“Uh, okay…” Tori took a deep breath, then looked straight into Jade’s eyes with an earnest look that sent a million sparks racing through Jade’s mind and made her breath catch in her throat. Then, with Jade still reeling from the shock of seeing every single one of Tori’s features from just two feet away, Tori began the scene: “We can’t go on like this.”

Jade’s eyes widened. With all her brainpower focused on Tori’s mesmerizing eyes and flawless skin and hair, Jade could barely think of anything to say. She tried to yank her focus back to the scene at hand, but she failed and ended up just standing there, frozen.

After a long pause, Tori seemingly realized that Jade wasn’t going to be responding and asked tentatively, “Uh, did you hear me?”

“Stop right there!” Sikowitz shouted suddenly. “Tori, the number one rule of improv is to always keep going, no matter what happens. If your scene partner doesn’t say anything, then you have to pretend that’s all part of the scene. Instead of asking if she heard, integrate her silence into the story. Do you understand?”

“Uh, maybe… I guess?”

“Good. Continue.”

Tori fidgeted slightly, then took a deep breath and spoke again, masking her nerves quite well, in Jade’s opinion. “See, this is the problem, you never talk to me,” Tori said, infusing a fair amount of aggression and anger into her voice.

That line suddenly brought Jade’s focus away from Tori’s beauty and back toward the dialogue. Finally free from Tori’s spell, all of Jade’s anger for the girl resurfaced. Before her tired mind could tell her that this was a  _ performance _ , and she wasn’t  _ actually _ supposed to get in a screaming match with Tori, Jade crossed her arms and said, full of venom, “And why the hell  _ should _ I talk to you?”

“Jade,  _ language _ ,” Sikowitz warned. Jade rolled her eyes.  _ Please. “Hell”? That’s nothing. _

“Because no matter how much you say you hate me, we all know that deep down, you really love me.”

_ What the fuck?! That devil! _ Jade dropped her arms to her sides and clenched her hands into fists. “In your dreams,” she said through gritted teeth, ready to strike.

A look of sheer terror flashed across Tori’s face.

“Aaaand, scene,” Sikowitz said quickly, before the situation onstage could get any worse. “Well, that was a very well-acted lover’s quarrel.”  _ Lover’s quarrel?! What the fuck, Sikowitz? _ “That’s a wonderful example of a scene that started off suddenly, then quickly escalated to an absolutely gripping climax.” He directed his gaze to the rest of the class. “I hope you all were paying attention; everyone will be doing similar scenes later this week. Now, I believe we are out of time.” Just a few seconds later, the bell rang, and students began to file out of the classroom and into the hall, eager to get to lunch.

As Jade was leaving, she heard a soft voice calling out, “Jade?”  _ Tori. What the fuck does that devil want? No way am I talking to her. _ Jade quickened her pace, not stopping until she got to the Asphalt Café.

After about thirty seconds, Cat arrived and sat down next to her. “Jade, are you sure you’re okay?”

_ No, I’m not okay. _ Jade was still full of rage from Tori’s insanely presumptuous and cocky assertion— _ of course I don’t fucking “love her” _ —but as she began to calm down and her heart stopped racing from the adrenaline of the confrontation, her tiredness quickly overwhelmed her. Jade felt that she barely had the strength to hold herself up, and she leaned to the side, expecting that Beck would be next to her like he usually was. No, Beck was visiting his family in Canada for the week; but then who was it who was next to her?

“Don’t worry, Jade, you can sleep on my shoulder,” Cat said sweetly. Oh, right, Cat. She was a good friend. And what a relief it was that Jade’s last thought before she drifted off was about Cat instead of Tori.

*******************************************************************************************************

Tori stared after Jade as Jade rushed out of the Sikowitz’s classroom.  _ So, she’s back to ignoring me. I think I just made things a lot worse.  _ Tori thought back to what she had said during the improv.  _ It wasn’t meant to be directed at her! I don’t actually think  _ Jade _ of all people loves me; there’s no way. She clearly hates my guts, no matter what I do to try to make our relationship better. I was just trying to go along with the scene, and that felt like something someone would say in a dramatic movie! But I think she thought I was talking to her… What in the world am I supposed to do now?  _

Her thoughts were interrupted by a gentle nudge from Andre. “Hey Tori, are you coming to lunch?”

“Yeah… but I think I just made Jade hate me more.”

“Jade hating you more? Is that even possible?” Andre said with a laugh.

Tori groaned and shoved him lightly. “That’s so not helpful right now.”

“Alright, alright. Can we just go eat? I’m hungry,” Andre said, rubbing his stomach and making a puppy dog face.

Tori laughed, some of her worry about Jade fading away. She could always count on Andre to cheer her up; he was just so silly and sweet. “Yeah, let’s go.”

*******************************************************************************************************

Jade was woken up by someone gently shaking her shoulders, along with the sound of a soft whispering in her ear: “Jade, lunch is almost over.” She forced her eyes open and winced at the bright sun that was streaming directly onto her face.  _ Stupid sun. _ She slowly lifted her head from its position on Cat’s shoulder and turned to face her friend. They held eye contact for a few seconds, and Jade let a silent  _ thank you _ pass between them. She wasn’t good at expressing gratitude, but Cat understood her appreciation without her needing to say a word. That was one of the nice things about Cat. She never forced Jade to speak when she clearly didn’t want to; she just let her be, and she gave her space when she needed it. Unlike Tori, who clearly didn’t get the hint that Jade did  _ not _ want to interact with her.

Where was Tori, anyway? Even though Jade didn’t want to talk to Tori, she still felt a weird desire to know where the girl was.  _ My god, my mind is so messed up. I hate her, yet I can’t stop thinking about her. _

Once Jade’s eyes had adjusted to the sunlight, she looked around the cafe. Tori, Andre, and Robbie were sitting at a table nearby, absorbed in conversation.  _ There she is. Well, thank god she didn’t sit over here. _ Then, as if she had some sort of special sense for hearing when people were thinking about her, Tori suddenly looked right over to where Jade was sitting, and their eyes locked.  _ Oh no _ . Jade looked away, but her thoughts had already started racing. First came all the good: Tori’s sweetness, her radiant smile, and her beauty. Then, shortly after, the bad: the leftover anger about how she had kissed Beck, plus all the new hatred for that line during improv. In those few seconds, Jade’s mind turned into a confusing mess of thoughts, every single one of them related to Tori.

And then, to make matters worse, she heard Tori’s voice. From just behind her left shoulder. “Jade, before you yell at me, I have to tell you—”

But Jade wouldn’t listen. She couldn’t. She knew she wouldn’t be able to get away quick enough to avoid hearing the rest of Tori’s sentence, and she also knew that she couldn’t keep running away from every conversation with Tori. Even though she wanted to. So instead, Jade gathered her remaining confidence and spoke in a voice that sounded much braver than she felt, trying to drown Tori out. “There is no one in the world I want to talk to  _ less _ than you. I won’t yell; I just won’t listen. So bye, Vega. I’ve got more important things to attend to.” And  _ then _ Jade walked away.  _ Huh. That actually went pretty well, I think _ .

But just because she had gotten herself out of that conversation successfully didn’t mean she had kicked her thoughts about Tori out of her mind. No, those were there to stay.  _ Fucking devil’s spawn _ .

*******************************************************************************************************

“Jade, will you share your final scene with the class?” Jade’s play-writing teacher asked.

_ Oh god. Not that.  _ Jade avoided eye contact with her teacher as she responded, “I didn’t write it.”  _ How  _ could _ I have written it? I couldn’t focus on anything at all this entire weekend because all I could think about was Tori. So pathetic. _

“Excuse me?” The teacher looked shocked, and rightfully so. This was the first time Jade hadn’t completed an assignment for this class.

Jade knew she needed to come up with some excuse, but then she realized she didn’t actually need to lie. “There was nothing worth writing about. It was all a foregone conclusion.”

“And what exactly would that be?”

“Zell’s plot fails, and the farmer kills her instead.”

Her teacher raised an eyebrow. “I wouldn’t call that a foregone conclusion. I’d say it’s more of a shocking plot twist.”

Jade considered this for a few moments. Thanks to her lunchtime nap, she was able to think much clearer than in the morning, but it was still a slow process. “Well, maybe, but the chickens  _ should’ve _ seen it coming. It’s not like a chicken can really expect to take down someone who has that much composure and power. Zell was bound to fail from the beginning.”

“But did  _ Zell _ know that?”

The question took Jade by surprise. Had she? Had Jade known deep down that no matter what she did, she would never be able to escape from Tori—and all the confusing and annoying feelings the girl brought with her?

Jade slowly started to answer. “Well, I guess Zell was afraid that she could never succeed. But she also hoped that she had the power to change her situation. Because if she didn’t, then she couldn’t have had much hope for her day-to-day life.”

The teacher nodded. “Beautiful analysis, Jade. I can tell you’ve been thinking a lot about this.”

_ Oh, you have no idea. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enter Cat and Andre, plus a ton of Jade’s feelings. Oh, and happy new year!
> 
> Well, I hope you enjoyed this one. Thank you so much for reading!


	7. The Dead of Night

After about an hour of trying to fight her way through exhaustion to get homework done, Jade finally gave up and shoved her papers into her book bag.  _ This can wait until tomorrow. I’ve been staring at this for way too long, and I’m not even getting anything done. All I need is some sleep. _

Jade got up, deposited her book bag on top of her desk chair where it stayed at night, pulled a random T-shirt and pair of shorts from her dresser, and plodded her way across the hall to the bathroom to get ready for bed. As she removed her makeup, Jade cringed at the sight of the circles under her eyes, which were now a couple shades darker than usual.  _ I look like a mess. At least the dark eye shadow makes it less obvious… _

By the time Jade was climbing into bed, she felt ready to collapse. She closed her eyes happily and felt a wave of calmness seep over her whole body.  _ Ah. There’s nothing quite like the feeling of being in bed when you’re tired. _

After a few moments, Jade noticed, _ huh, I’m finally not bombarded by thoughts about Tori. It feels so… freeing _ . And she immediately regretted that observation.  _ Fuck. I really hope that’s not going to make me think of her now. _ She took a deep breath.  _ I can do this. I can have thought of her once without her taking over my thoughts. Now I can direct my thoughts to something else, and I’ll be okay. _ Jade tried to think of some other topic that could serve as a good distraction.  _ It has to be interesting, but also plain enough for me to still fall asleep. How about… that play I wrote a little while ago about the werewolf attacks? That’s a good one. _ Jade let her thoughts drift to her play, smiling as she remembered the funny songs Andre had written.  _ It was supposed to be horror, but Andre basically turned it into a comedy. And I wasn’t even mad. He’s amazing at composing. _

One memory led to another, and soon Jade’s mind was filled with all the songs Andre had written in that past year. Palaces in the Clouds. I’m Ready. Stardust. Make it Shine.  _ Oh, fuck. Tori sang that—But I don’t need to think about her!—and it was so pretty. That was the first time I ever saw her… wait, I gotta get her out of my head! Another distraction… Disney karaoke with Cat a while back. She sang Part of Your World, I sang Poor Unfortunate Souls. That was fun. Not something I would ever admit to anyone else to having done, but fun to do with Cat. That was before she dyed her hair; she would make an even better Ariel now. _ That thought made Jade smile.  _ See, I’m doing it! I’m getting Tori out of my—fuck that was so stupid why in the world did I just think that now she’s in my fucking head again and— _

A million thoughts whirled around Jade’s mind, bombarding her with memories and feelings about Tori no matter where she tried to take cover. Raw emotion flooded like a tsunami into every corner of Jade’s mind. Sadness. Fury. Confusion. Enmity. Helplessness. Fear. Despair. There were no coherent thoughts or words; only shards of feeling, sharp and painful. They cut deep, and Jade felt her heartbeat double as she searched frantically for a sanctuary from their flurrying attacks. But alas, she could find none. Jade pressed her hands up to her face and tried to take a deep breath, but it came out shaky and shallow. She tried again, focusing her attention on the sound of the air moving into her nose and the feeling of the air filling her chest. Jade immediately felt a little relief, but by the time she had exhaled, all the feelings were there again, attacking her just as viciously as before. It wasn’t just about Tori anymore; it was about Jade’s inability to cope with her thoughts and feelings. She couldn’t resolve her thoughts, so they remained wedged in her mind, holding open the doors to allow unfiltered emotions to cascade in until Jade felt as if she were drowning.

_ I can’t do this. I can’t lie here and deal with all these overwhelming feelings. I have to escape. _ Jade pushed her covers to the side and stumbled a couple feet across her room to her desk, where she flicked on her lamp. She roughly pushed her book bag off her chair, and it fell to the ground on the other side with a dull  _ thud _ . With some space finally clear, Jade plopped down into her desk chair, yanked open a drawer, and pulled out a pen and one of her notebooks. Because whenever Jade felt too many emotions, writing was the only way she could ever find any comfort. Although she felt way more overwhelmed than she could remember having felt in the past, Jade hoped that writing would still be an effective coping strategy.  _ Because if it isn’t, what the fuck is there left for me to do? _

Jade opened the notebook to the first blank page and wrote one word on the left of the second line, lined up along the margin.  _ Lost _ . She stared at it some, then immediately after it, added,  _ Confused. Scared. _ After a couple more moments of reflection, Jade began to write more swiftly, adding a couple lines below her first three words, and inserting a line above. She hadn’t intended to write a poem, but as the words flowed steadily out of her, that’s the shape they took, so she went with it. She didn’t worry about what she was writing; she just let her feelings guide her hand as she finally expressed them on paper.

As she wrote, Jade felt some of her tension lessen, and her thoughts became clearer as she focused on her stanzas. After every couple of new lines she wrote, Jade returned to the top of her page and marked it up, changing or striking out some words to form a syllabic pattern and rhythm. When she had written eight stanzas, Jade paused. It felt finished. At least for now.

As she usually did with her poems (at least the ones she didn’t despise), Jade rewrote her work on a fresh page so she could have a clean copy, free from all her editing markings. Then she reread it one more time, letting the words wash over her.

_ What are you now? _

_ Lost. Confused. Scared. _

_ Burdens borne alone _

_ And can’t be shared _

_ Impossible _

_ To find the light _

_ Surrounded by _

_ The dead of night _

_ You can’t escape _

_ And you can’t hide _

_ And I should know _

_ Because I’ve tried _

_ So why attempt _

_ To change your fate? _

_ Do you not know _

_ That it’s too late? _

_ There’s nothing wrong _

_ With her or them _

_ It’s your own faults _

_ That I condemn _

_ Your pain is yours _

_ And yours to bear _

_ And though you say _

_ “That’s just not fair” _

_ There can’t be hope _

_ (And you’re to blame) _

_ If you let life _

_ Remain the same _

_ So don’t just cry _

_ And mope around _

_ Lost, afraid you’ll _

_ Never be found... _

Jade sighed, satisfied. No, it didn’t feel  _ complete _ , per se—the ending seemed to leave everyone hanging—yet Jade felt there was nothing to add. And that feeling of suspension was what she felt now; it was as if her tumultuous emotions had finally left her, but she didn’t have any comfort, so it just felt as though everything were hanging in the balance, waiting for some hinge event to change something.

As she thought about the words she had written, Jade suddenly started yawning, and she remembered just how exhausted she was. She got up from her desk and was about to put her notebook in the drawer she had taken it from, but then she decided to place it in the locked drawer instead.  _ This is a locked-drawer poem. For my eyes only. No one else gets to read my emotions; those are completely mine. They can go find their own shitty despair and agony if they want. _

Everything being taken care of, Jade returned her book bag to its place on her desk chair, switched off her lamp, and climbed into bed again. Having successfully offloaded her feelings into her notebook, Jade felt a peaceful emptiness in her mind, and after a few minutes Jade was finally drifting off into a much-needed deep, luxurious sleep.

********************************************************************************************************

In the morning, the sound of Jade’s alarm clock wrenched her awake. She remained in bed for a few moments, noting how she  _ finally _ didn’t feel exhausted and shitty.  _ Thank god I finally got enough sleep. Now I can actually… think clearly. _

Jade slipped out of bed and silenced her clock, then commenced her morning getting-ready routine. When she returned to her room after breakfast to grab her book bag, Jade paused, looking at her locked drawer. After a moment’s reflection, she put in the combination to her lock, opened the drawer, and pulled out the notebook from last night. She flipped through it until she found the poem, then she held it up in front of her and reread it twice.

_ Something needs to change. Tori’s line from yesterday’s improv was eerily accurate; we can’t go on like this. At least I can’t. But what in the world am I supposed to do to change it? _ As Jade pondered this difficult question, she returned the notebook to its spot in the drawer and closed the lock, sealing the contents into their secret crypt once again. Then she made her way to the car, still unsure of how she was going to deal with the situation with Tori.  _ All I know is that avoiding her isn’t getting me anywhere. I’m probably going to have to… talk to her _ . Jade sighed.  _ It sucks. But it’s the only option _ .

********************************************************************************************************

Tori stood at her locker, pretending to organize her books, but really she was scanning the halls out of the corners of her eyes, waiting for Jade to arrive. Tori hadn’t quite planned  _ what _ she was going to do once Jade did show up, but she knew that she had to find a way to actually have a conversation with her.  _ I need to explain to her that nothing in our improv yesterday was actually directed at her. And I need to get her to tell me why she hates me so much despite my apologies. I need to know. I can’t keep this up, wondering what I’ve done wrong when all I’ve tried to do is make things better. _

Then Jade arrived.  _ Finally _ . Tori focused her attention on Jade, following her with her eyes as she walked to her locker, pulled it open somewhat aggressively, and started shuffling things between the locker and her book bag. Tori waited a couple moments to allow Jade to organize her things, and then she closed her locker carefully and walked across the hall to Jade.

“Jade.”

After a brief beat of silence, Jade’s locker swung shut, and Jade turned ninety degrees to face Tori, folding her arms across her chest. She had a blank expression on her face, which came as a slight surprise to Tori.  _ She’s… listening to me? And not yelling? _

When it became clear that Jade wasn’t going to say anything, Tori took a deep breath and said, “We need to talk.”

Tori expected a number of possibilities for Jade’s reaction: some snarky comment along the lines of “clearly we’re already talking,” or maybe an angry dismissal. But what Jade  _ actually _ said was something Tori never would have imagined. Keeping her arms crossed, Jade said simply, “After school.”

It took Tori a long time to process what Jade had said, and when she finally did, she couldn’t believe that she had heard correctly.  _ She’s agreeing to talk! All I’ve wanted is to just have a conversation with her, and now I’ll finally be able to. It’s a miracle. _

Jade’s steely voice cut through Tori’s excited thoughts. “Are we done here?”

Tori shook her head slightly to focus herself on the present, then shrugged. “Yeah, I guess. At least until after school.”

Soon after, Jade slammed her locker shut and walked away, leaving Tori wondering whether she had dreamed the whole thing.  _ But no. I couldn’t have. This is real, and I’m finally going to get to talk to Jade!  _ For the rest of the day, Tori could barely focus on her classes, too occupied by the excitement of what was to come after school.  _ I can’t wait. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s all, folks! [*insert Looney Tunes music*]
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. Until next week!


	8. I Don't Know What to Say

In Sikowitz’s class that morning, Jade sat staring out the window. She wasn’t paying attention to the scene Cat and Robbie were currently engaged in, although it had started out quite playfully and normally would have interested her. But today her thoughts were too chaotic to be suppressed, even for the sake of watching funny improv.

_ I agreed to talk to Tori after school. Now what? What the hell am I supposed to say? “Hi, I hate your guts but for some stupid reason I can’t get you out of my head and I’d really just like to get rid of you once and for all”? Or how about “Want to know the reason I’ve been sleep deprived? It’s because I can’t stop thinking about you”? Like, what the fuck? I can’t tell her what’s going on because it just sounds weird! And she’s not even my friend; why the hell should I tell her anything? _

Jade’s thoughts continued to cycle rapidly, coming up with dozens of options of things she could say, all equally terrible. And none of them were things she would ever dream of  _ actually _ saying to anyone, much less Tori.  _ What’s the point of this? I’m not getting anywhere with trying to plan a speech. So basically, I’m just going to be spending time one-on-one with Tori, with no clue what I’m going to say, after school, of my own free will. Greeaat plan, Jade. Geez, I’m a fucking idiot. _

When the bell rang for lunch, Jade waited until everyone else had left the room, ignoring the stares she got as people wondered why she was staying in her seat. As Tori passed her chair on the way out, she paused and caught Jade’s eye. Jade managed to maintain eye contact for a few seconds, until Tori finally looked away and continued on her way out of the room. Jade mentally gave a million thanks that Tori hadn’t said anything.  _ I have no clue why that happened or what that meant, but that actually wasn’t terrible. I guess I can manage to exist around Tori as long as there are no words. So I’m not a total lost cause. But every time she tries to speak, it feels like her words explode and echo in my head, and it’s overwhelming. And when I try to speak, it’s just… hard. Like I can’t trust my words. Fuck, why did I ever agree to talk to her after school? _

When Sikowitz tried to engage Jade in some conversation about the nutritious properties of coconut milk, she finally stood up and left the room.  _ I couldn’t care less about his stupid coconut milk. _ Upon consideration of the fact that if she had lunch at the Asphalt Cafe, she may have to endure listening to a conversation that involved Tori, Jade decided to eat in the janitor’s closet. It’s not like the janitors ever really used it during the school day.

After a few more minutes of mental turmoil, Jade took out her phone and dialed Beck’s number (one of the few numbers she had committed to memory). _Maybe he can help me figure out what to say._ Then, her finger midway between the last digit of his number and the call button, Jade paused. _What would I even say to him? “Hi, boyfriend. Hope you’re having a great time with your family. You know the new girl whom I absolutely despise? Yeah? Well, I also think about her way more than I ever think about you. What do you think of that? Oh, and, I’m going to be talking to her alone after school today. So what should I say to get her to like me?”_ _Pathetic._ If it hadn’t been so sad, it would have almost been funny. 

Unable to think of anything to say and unable to find anyone to turn to for help, Jade’s thoughts turned to the possibility of ditching the end of school.  _ If I never show up, then I never have to say anything. _ And that option seemed wonderful. Jade imagined walking past Tori and crossing the Asphalt Cafe, then getting in her car and pulling away from the school. How nice that would be. But then Jade remembered all her sleepless nights, and the idea was suddenly less appealing.  _ I’m stuck in a position where there are literally no good options. And I guess I’ll just have to go with the least terrible one… _

********************************************************************************************************

Jade emerged from her last class of the day feeling a mix of emotions: a bit of pride at finishing up a project she had been working on and a bit of antsy anticipation about the conversation she was about to participate in, but mainly a lot of worry and dread. If she had been a stereotypical movie character, she might have walked slowly to her locker to prolong the time she had before the encounter, but that was not Jade’s style. Jade was incredibly irked by people who walked slowly in the halls. She took up her normal pace (which was slightly faster than most people’s; when she had a place to be, she intended to get there. If she wanted to delay, better to do something worthwhile as a way to delay departure; walking slowly was, in her opinion, an idiotic form of procrastination). However, she  _ did _ wish she could remain on the other side of the school. When she arrived at her locker, she noted that Tori was not yet across the hall at her own locker.  _ I bet she’s the kind of person who walks slowly as a delay tactic _ , Jade thought with just a little bit of scorn. But then her thoughts were once again replaced by worry. Tori’s walking pace was  _ really _ not that significant when compared to the conversation that was approaching.

Jade waited at her locker for a couple minutes, gradually growing more impatient.  _ Where the hell is she? Is she just gonna not show up and then rub it in my face? _ As the halls gradually emptied while people left on the bus or to drive themselves home, Jade’s thoughts only grew more agitated.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Jade heard the soft sound of approaching footsteps. She turned around to see a sheepish-looking Tori walking toward her (at a pace that was not particularly indicative of a procrastinative motivation).

“Hi,” Tori said tentatively.

Jade just stared at her, crossing her arms across her chest. (There was no specific reason for the arm-crossing except that she preferred that position to leaving her arms dangling at her sides. If she was going to engage in a conversation that was uncomfortable by nature, she might as well hold her arms in a comfortable position, right?)

“So… uh, should we go somewhere?”

Jade shrugged. Internally, her answer was  _ yes, _ because of course she didn’t want to have a conversation with Tori right in the middle of the hall, where anyone could listen in. But she didn’t want to have to open her mouth and say so.

Tori appeared to become more uncomfortable with Jade’s continued silence. She fidgeted with the thin textbook she was holding (Intro to Music Theory, Jade noted. Her mind was getting distracted pretty easily as it tried to find details to cling to as diversions from her nerves). Finally, Tori spoke again: “We could go to the Blackbox Theater?”

Jade shrugged again, then picked up her book bag from where she had deposited it on the floor and walked in the direction Tori had suggested. From the corner of her eye, she could see Tori, trailing her by a few feet but following nonetheless.

When Jade entered the Blackbox Theater, she saw Sinjin on the second level, fiddling with some lighting controls. She sighed.  _ Of course he has to make this more complicated. _ After a moment’s contemplation, she spoke up to him: “I need to use the theater.”

Sinjin looked down, clearly surprised that he was no longer alone in the room. After a second, his eyes widened happily when he saw that the other person there was Jade. “I need to work on the lights for next week’s play. But you’re always welcome to be here with me,  _ Jade _ .” The dreamy way Sinjin said her name disgusted Jade. She glared up at him.

“I’m using the theater. You can find somewhere else to work,” she said coldly.

Sinjin looked like he wanted to argue, but then he clearly thought better of it. He gathered his things and descended to the main part of the theater, then gave Jade one more dreamy look and started to leave the room. When he saw Tori standing in the doorway, he paused. “Two pretty girls in the Blackbox Theater, and I’m not allowed to join in the fun,” he mused sadly.

“Get out,” Jade said through clenched teeth. This was quite effective; Sinjin scurried off within moments.

With Sinjin finally gone, Jade reluctantly turned to face Tori, trying not to show how nervous she was. Tori met Jade’s gaze. They stood like that for a couple seconds, facing each other in a silence that felt tense and slightly uncomfortable, but not quite awkward. Then Tori began to walk toward Jade slowly, swinging her arms in front of her, as if she didn’t quite know what to do with them.  _ Yup, that’s exactly why I cross my arms. _ When Tori was about two feet away from Jade, she stopped. As Jade looked into Tori’s face, she was greeted by an overwhelming amount of detail.  _ Woah, there. That’s a bit too close for comfort. _ Jade took a few small steps backwards, never breaking eye contact. Even though she still had no clue what to say, her thoughts felt calm, somehow; all the confused chaos of the past few days had suddenly ceased, and Jade felt okay, even as she was standing here staring Tori right in the face.

After a few moments, Tori spoke. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Clearly.” Jade had always been a fan of the sarcastic cop-out answer. It made things simple for her and made people uncomfortable; a double win, in Jade’s opinion.

Tori closed her eyes for a second and took a deep breath. When she opened her eyes again, she reached out her hand toward Jade, then retracted it. “I… I don’t want you to be my enemy.”

This simple statement affected Jade deeply. She felt a little bit of a warm, fuzzy feeling slowly creeping its way into her heart. Jade was exceedingly pleased, yet she felt that she couldn’t reveal it. To hide her emotions, she turned to her default: dry sarcasm. “No one wants enemies.”

Tori didn’t appear to be taken aback by Jade’s response in the least. She gazed at Jade with an earnest look that seemed to peek into her soul. “I just wish we could be friends,” she said quietly.

Tori’s piercing gaze made Jade feel open and exposed, like a dead bird with its innards ripped out. She increasingly felt as though she needed to scramble for cover, but she found herself unable to break eye contact. Her helplessness gave rise to a boiling anger that bubbled up from her chest and brought warmth to her cheeks. As her ire intensified, Jade felt the need to express it; she had never been good at suppressing her anger, especially not when it came to interacting with other people.

“Wow Vega, you really think everything is about you,” Jade spat.

Now Tori seemed caught off guard, and a bit flustered. “Wait—that’s not what I—”

“Really. You kiss my boyfriend because  _ you _ think he’s hot. You try to apologize because  _ you _ don’t like how it feels for me to be mad at you, and then when I don’t immediately fawn over you, you follow me around, begging to know why I don’t like you. And now you want me to be your friend, not because you care about me, but because you don’t like having enemies. That sound about right?”

Tori opened and closed her mouth, looking like a clueless idiot. Well, a sad and hurt clueless idiot, which honestly looked… pathetic. A small part of Jade softened at how distraught Tori looked, but her anger drowned out the caringness that was trying to root itself in her heart. She looked upon Tori coldly.

Finally Tori regained some composure. “I do care about you,” she said, speaking so softly Jade could barely make out the words.

_ What the— _

_ Did she really just say she cares about me??? _ Thanks to those five words, all hell broke loose in Jade’s mind. All the feelings she had experienced throughout the past couple of days came roaring back: the confusion, the longing, the sadness, the helplessness… they were all there, rushing in and replacing most of the anger. Here was Tori standing right in front of her, as beautiful and sweet as a twinkling star.  _ Vega. One of the stars in the Summer Triangle. Turns out it actually is an apt last name for her. _ But what did all these feelings mean?  _ I have a boyfriend, for goodness’ sake. Why the fuck should I care that this girl is pretty or that she cares about me? I have Beck and I have Cat. I don’t need anyone else. But why did everything feel so peaceful a couple minutes ago when we were just staring at each other? What the fuck is going on with me? _

“Jade?” Tori asked tentatively. “Are you… going to say anything?”

“No,” Jade responded, quietly but forcefully. Then she walked briskly out of the theater, leaving nothing but a dazed and confused Tori in her wake.

********************************************************************************************************

Tori stood in the middle of the Blackbox Theater, rooted to the spot. She was trying to process what had just transpired, and what it meant.

_ Jade was really different today. Well, kind of. She seemed really distant and closed off the whole time. With her crossed arms, and her silence… and her sarcastic replies. I was just trying to have an open conversation with her… but I guess maybe that was too much to expect. She got upset once—and she really did seem upset—but maybe what she said was important. Maybe I need to give her more space. But aside from that moment, it seemed like she was at least listening to me… she didn’t react much, but she was definitely paying attention. So that’s something.  _

_ But where do we go from here? We talked, but nothing was resolved. And… I told her that I care about her, and then she just walked away. Should I not have said that? Is that going to make things between us awkward? But of course I care about her! It’s not like it’s on some sort of deep level; I don’t even know her that well. But I care about her feelings, and I want her to be able to be happy, just like I do for everyone else! That’s just the kind of person I am! Is there really anything wrong with that? Is there something wrong with me for trying so much to get Jade to like me, when she seems so bent on hating me? _

Tori’s thoughts were interrupted by the muted  _ ping _ of her phone as she got a text message. She pulled her phone out of her backpack. It was from Trina:  _ I got bored of waiting so I went home. Find someone else to drive you. _ Tori sighed, resolving to get back at Trina whenever the opportunity arose. Then she put her phone back into her bag and left the theater, walking briskly into the parking lot in hopes that one of her friends was still there and could drive her.

Tori only recognized two cars: Sinjin’s and Jade’s.  _ Well, then. If I don’t want to get in a creepy dude’s car, I guess I only really have one option. _

Tori cupped her hands below her mouth to amplify her sound, then yelled Jade’s name across the parking lot.

Jade paused, just about to get in her car after having dumped her book bag in the trunk. She turned to face Tori, closing her car door and leaning against the side. “What do you want now, Vega?” she asked icily.

Tori was crossing the parking lot rapidly, and soon she was standing a few feet away from Jade. “Trina left without me. Do you think… you might be able to give me a ride?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well! They had… a conversation. Quite a tense one, at that. I was kind of concerned about writing this because neither Jade nor Tori really knew what to say, so therefore I had no clue what to have them say either, but it ended up working itself out.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I really appreciate you all. ‘Till next week!


	9. Boxed In

Jade really hated driving during the day. When natural light illuminated the streets and filtered into the car through the windows, Jade felt boxed in. Uncomfortable. At night, when the darkness spread into infinity, she felt more at ease. But unfortunately, driving to and from school was a daytime activity, not a nighttime one. So Jade had learned to make do. She had learned that if she kept the car totally silent, then it made the space seem bigger and more open, and she felt okay. So that’s what she did, every morning and every afternoon. Complete silence and solitude.

But when there was another person in her car, especially in the passenger seat… Jade felt like someone was encroaching on her personal space, pressing way too close to her. Even when the other person could manage to keep their mouth shut, the sheer fact of their presence was stifling. Too close for an enclosed space. Too close.

And now… Tori, of all people. Wanted a ride. With Jade. During the day. Tori, who made Jade feel confused, and sometimes uncomfortable, even from feet away. Even in a wide open space like the Asphalt Cafe, or a large room like the Blackbox Theater. Even when they were  _ miles _ away from each other and Jade was alone in her room. Tori’s existence alone felt like an invasion into Jade’s personal space.

But to sit together—next to each other—in the same car. In the same space. Just a few inches away. That was too close. Too close for comfort. And of course Tori would  _ not _ be able to keep quiet. For Jade to say yes would be to inflict upon herself so many different tormentors: day driving; noise; a person;  _ Tori. _

But she couldn’t say no, either! Judging by the parking lot, Sinjin was the only student left at school. The thought of leaving Tori alone with that creep made Jade’s stomach turn.  _ And Sinjin isn’t intimidated by her the way she is of me…  _

So it was decided, then. One ride home for Tori. One extremely uncomfortable journey for Jade. Jade took in a silent deep breath, then uncrossed her arms and stood up straighter, shifting her weight away from the car where she had been leaning. She walked around to the other side of the car, passing by Tori without a word, then unlocked the passenger side door and gestured to Tori that she could get in. Then she walked back around the car and slid into the driver’s seat.

As soon as she closed her door and felt everything pressing in on her—the excessively bright light, the small metal box that was known as a car, the powerful presence of a certain person to her right—Jade regretted her decision. But it was too late to go back.

_ Let’s just hope it doesn’t get any worse. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, that’s all for today. I’ve had a crazy busy week, and even though I have tons of ideas cascading around in my head for the car scene, I barely had any time to actually sit down and write. But next week.
> 
> Thank you for reading, everyone!


	10. Also a Remedy

Jade put her car in reverse and twisted around to face the back of the car, bracing her left arm behind the headrest of the passenger seat. As she did so, she felt the light tickling sensation of a few strands of long, light brown hair brushing against her hand. Jade instinctively recoiled from the touch, withdrawing her hand and leaning toward her car door. 

“Jade? Is something wrong?”

Jade glanced over at Tori but avoided eye contact; eye contact only shortened the distance between two people, and that was the exact opposite of what Jade needed right now. What she needed was to get away from Tori. End this terrible car ride that already felt too long, even though she hadn’t pulled out of the parking space yet. But in order to get to the end, she had to actually begin the journey. So she again placed her hand behind the passenger headrest, trying hard to ignore just how close she was to Tori in this position. And she backed out of the space.

When Jade finally put the car back in forward drive and returned her left hand to the wheel, the space between her and Tori felt considerably larger. But the tension didn’t fully dissipate from her shoulders and neck, and Jade knew she probably wouldn’t feel at ease again until she was out of the car.  _ Ah, the pleasures of driving, _ she thought bitterly.

“So… what are you going to be doing this evening?” Tori’s voice spread throughout the car quickly, thickening the air and bringing the walls of the car a bit closer to Jade. 

“Why should I tell you?” Jade spat, trying to bring any possible conversation to an end before it could make her any more uncomfortable.

“I’m just trying to make conversation.”

“Well, don’t.”

“Come on, Jade. I’m just being friendly.”

“I promise you, you don’t want to be my friend.”

“I do!”

“You know nothing about me.” Jade felt more tension creeping into her neck, shoulders, and arms, and she gripped the steering wheel tighter.

“I know you like scissors and coffee, and you hate ducks.”

“Everyone knows that.”

“Then tell me something people don’t know about you.”

“ _ No, _ ” Jade said forcefully, trying to push away not only Tori’s questions but also the thick air that was encroaching on Jade’s space, suffocating her.

“Why can’t you just share one thing?”

“Why can’t you just stop talking?”

“I’m just trying to make this car ride more interesting!” As Tori raised her voice, it echoed in Jade’s ears over and over again, leaving her head spinning. The space around Jade continued to close, and her chest tightened.

“Shut up.”

“No! I have a right to talk! You can’t just command me to be quiet if I don’t want to!”

“Then I have a right to make you walk the rest of the way home.”

“You wouldn’t.”

“Try me.”

Tori was silent for a few moments, and then she spoke again. “You know what? I don’t care if you threaten me! You act like everyone else is the problem and should bend to what you want, but that’s not how it works! If I want to talk during the car ride, I can, and you can’t stop me.”

Tori’s voice was urgent, pushy, loud. An attack on Jade’s personal space. The car was too small. The daylight was too bright. Jade’s head filled with hazy but intense worried thoughts about being stuck, caught, trapped. Her stomach twisted into knots, and her entire body became chilled.  _ Need to escape…  _

Jade gritted her teeth and pulled into the parking lot of a small park that they were passing. As she braked, she noted that her leg was twitching.

Jade abruptly turned to face Tori. “Get out.”

Tori looked shocked. “What?”

“You heard me.  _ Get out of my car. _ ”

********************************************************************************************************

Tori looked at Jade, unable to believe what she was hearing. “You’re… serious?”

Some unrecognizable look passed across Jade’s face—was it rage? panic?—and Jade repeated darkly, “Get out.”

Tori scrambled to unbuckle her seatbelt, then flung open her car door and jumped away from the car quickly, anticipating that Jade would drive off as soon as she was out. But to Tori’s surprise, Jade got out of the car as well.

Tori watched, confused, as Jade walked over a picnic table a few yards away and leaned against it, looking out at the empty park with a blank expression.  _ What in the world is she doing…?  _

After a few moments, Tori tentatively walked toward Jade until she was standing just a few feet away. “Jade? Is everything okay?”

Jade’s gaze flickered over to Tori, and anger flared in her eyes. “ _ Back off, _ ” she said stonily. Troubled by the tone of Jade’s voice, Tori complied, walking over to a different picnic table that was quite far away.

_ What’s going on with Jade? I’ve never seen her like this before. She seems so… tense. And she’s not normally  _ this  _ irritable or angry. Was it something I did?  _

Tori looked over again to Jade. As she watched, Jade slowly moved away from the table and walked toward a piece of playground equipment in the park; it was a plastic “pile” of boulders that kids could climb, and it was somewhere around ten feet tall. When Jade reached the base, she looked over it, and it seemed to Tori like she was appraising the best way to climb. Eventually, Jade ascended, moving as though she was unsure of what she was doing, but moving nonetheless. When Jade reached the top, she turned so she was facing away from the parking lot. Tori looked in that direction; there was an open field, covered with grass and dotted with a few trees, but there was nothing more.  _ Why is she looking there? There’s so much more to see in all the other directions…  _ Tori looked back up at Jade, wondering if she was going to do anything else, but she simply sat there, looking out at the world.  _ We had to stop for this…?  _

When it became clear that Jade had no intentions of leaving any time soon, Tori sighed and pulled a book out of her backpack.  _ If she’s just trying to make me get home late to get on my nerves, I won’t give her the satisfaction of getting angry. Whatever. It’s a nice day, anyway. It’s always nice to read outside. _

********************************************************************************************************

Jade gazed out at the openness in front of her: the empty field, the refreshing lack of buildings, the clear blue sky. She let her eyes settle on a point in the middle of the sky, where no clouds could be seen, then she began to inhale deeply.  _ One. Two. Three. Four. Five,  _ she counted. Then she held her breath in for a few beats, then let it out slowly.  _ One. Two. Three. Four. Five.  _ Then another breath in.

The air was cool and fresh as it entered Jade’s nose and filled her chest, but it didn’t make her feel cold; the fake boulders beneath her were still vaguely warm, after a day of sitting in the sun. Even as Jade continued to take deep breaths, her mind and body still acted as though they didn’t understand this was supposed to be  _ relaxing;  _ she still felt tense and anxious. And trapped.

_But I just have to look out at the empty field and the endless sky. There’s nothing there. And there’s nothing around me anymore._ A breath in. _One. Two. Three. Four. Five._ _Hold…_ And out. _One. Two. Three—_

Jade’s counting was interrupted by the joyful sound of a child laughing. She scowled in frustration. Looking around for the source of the noise, Jade was dismayed to see two young kids approaching the base of her boulder pile.  _ They’d better not come up here.  _

Just as she thought that, the older of the two kids (maybe she was seven? Jade really wasn’t good with guessing kids’ ages) began to climb.  _ Fuck.  _ As she saw the girl getting closer, all the anxiety that had finally left her from the deep breaths came flooding back.  _ Shit shit shit shit shit this is bad this is bad this is bad…  _

The little girl called out to her companion—”Come on!”—and consequently, the younger kid (maybe he was five? he looked like he could be her brother) began to climb as well.  _ No no no no no please I can’t deal with them coming up here and I can’t just curse them out to get them to go away…  _

Suddenly, a familiar voice cut in: “Hi there. What are your names?” The voice was sweet and friendlyThe two kids stopped in their climb to look over at Tori, clearly confused as to where she had come from.

After a moment, the young girl seemingly decided that stranger danger did not apply to pretty high school girls, and she answered, “I’m Evie. He’s Matt.”

“Nice to meet you. I’m Tori. Do you come here often?”

_ Why in the world does she have to engage them in a conversation right below me?  _ Jade wondered.  _ What does she not understand about “back off”? I need silence, not this!  _

But the kids were the opposite of silent. “Uh huh, every day after school! We like the rock the most!”

“That’s very fun. But do you think you could use a different part of the park today? Maybe the swings or monkey bars over there?” Tori gestured to the opposite end of the park. “I think the girl up there is already using the rock.”  _ Wait… did she just say what I think she said? _

The young girl considered Tori’s question, clearly torn. “Well… We really like the rock. But I guess we could use the swings today… Okay, Matt, let’s go to the swings!” And they were off, with Evie skipping across the playground and her younger pal struggling to keep up.

Jade breathed a short sigh of relief. Then she looked down at Tori, who offered a slight smile, then turned to leave.  _ Wait…  _ Jade felt an inexplicable desire for Tori to stay, perhaps to explain how she had known Jade needed her help in getting the kids to go away. But she couldn’t bring herself to say that one word. Or anything at all. So she just watched as Tori walked away and sat back down at her picnic table on the other side of the park. Tori quickly became absorbed in her book again and didn’t look up, but Jade continued to gaze at her from afar, wondering if maybe Tori was not just a cause for panic, but also a remedy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn’t planning on ending the chapter here, but that just felt like such a sweet place to end, so here we are. In writing this chapter I learned that, even while knowing exactly what feelings I intended to convey, it is still incredibly hard to put into words how anxiety feels. Who'd’ve thought.
> 
> Anyways! I hope you enjoyed. Thank you so, so much for reading!


	11. Nothing to Do Now but Go Home

After a long stretch of time—Jade couldn’t tell exactly how long but knew it must have been a while, considering the two kids had long ago left the park, leaving quiet in their wake—Jade finally climbed down from the fake rock pile that she had been sitting on. She finally felt calm and relaxed; she was ready to take on the drive home.

Jade turned to face the tree where Tori had been sitting, then squinted in confusion. Tori wasn’t there. Jade turned around slowly, wondering if maybe she was looking in the wrong direction, but no matter where she looked, she could see no sign of anyone. Tori was gone.

Jade felt some feeling bubbling in her stomach—what was it? It felt like worry, but after a moment, Jade realized it was more than that: it was concern. _For Vega. What if something happened to her?_ Jade tried to convince herself that Tori was probably fine, but she couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling that if something had gone wrong, it was her fault. She had made Tori get out of the car and sit alone at a public park with virtually no one else around, possibly for multiple hours. _My god, I’m a terrible person._

Then, out of the corner of her eye, Jade saw movement. A piece of paper fluttering like a flag in the light breeze. Curious, Jade approached it. As she drew nearer, she saw that it was a page ripped out from a notebook, speared with a pencil that was jammed into a crack in a tree. The same tree Tori had been sitting under. Jade pulled the pencil out and grabbed the paper, her eyes skimming the note that was written on it: _I didn’t want to interrupt you so I managed to get Trina to pick me up. Thanks for the ride to the park. -- Tori_

Jade breathed a sigh of relief. _So she’s okay. I don’t have to worry anymore._ But Jade still didn’t feel quite at ease; she felt a little guilty that she had promised Tori a ride and instead left her at a park, only to be picked up by her annoying older sister after all. But on top of that, there was also a slight feeling of disappointment, though Jade wasn’t quite sure why. _It’s not like I had_ wanted _to give her a ride, anyway. It should be good that I don’t have to. But then why don’t I feel relieved?_

Jade folded the note from Tori and stuck it in her pocket. _I guess there’s nothing to do now but go home,_ she thought with a sigh.

When she got in her car and closed the door, Jade noted how much more comfortable the space was when she was alone in the car. Yet as she navigated the familiar streets to her house, she was acutely aware of how empty the passenger seat was, and she had the strange feeling that something was missing.

********************************************************************************************************

“So tell me again why you made me pick you up? You interrupted my skin care routine!” Trina complained in her signature loud, whiney voice.

Tori glanced over at her sister’s face, where a green face mask was still plastered. “Yeah, I can tell,” she said, rolling her eyes.

“So what was so important that I had to come get you?”

“You were _supposed_ to drive me home from school in the first place, like you always do.”

“Yeah, but _you_ made me wait. You can’t just expect me to wait as long as you need! What do you think I am, your permanent chauffeur?”

“You kind of are,” Tori mumbled.

Trina groaned in annoyance. “What were you even doing at that park?”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Yes it does.”

“Why do you care?”

“‘Cuz I had to pick you up! How did you get there in the first place?”

“Someone drove me there.”

“So how come this _someone_ couldn’t just drive you home?”

“It just didn’t work out, okay?! Can you just leave me alone?”

“Of course I can’t leave you alone, you’re my _little sister._ I have to _take care of you,_ ” Trina said, reaching over and scrunching Tori’s cheeks.

“Ugh, get off of me! Eyes on the road and hands on the wheel!”

“If you’re so concerned with how I drive, maybe you should get your license and drive yourself.”

Tori groaned. “I wouldn’t care about how you drive if you actually paid attention to where you’re going!”

Trina made a face. “Clearly I’m a better ride for you than whoever took you to the park. _I_ actually take you all the way home.”

“Can you just leave Jade out of this? It’s not like she—”

“Wait. One. Minute. Are you saying _Jade_ is the person who drove you to the park?”

Tori scolded herself for letting that name slip. She had planned on keeping the fact that Jade had given her a ride a secret from, well, everyone. But of course she had messed up in front of the biggest blabbermouth in the school.

There was nothing Tori could do to take back her words, so the best she could hope for was to distract Trina. “I heard you’re going to audition for one of the upcoming plays. Do you think you’ll get the lead?” _After all, there’s no better way to sidetrack Trina than to appeal to her incredibly oversized ego._

But Trina would not be fooled this time. “Oh come on, Tori, you can’t expect me to drop it that easily. Jade West gave you a ride. Yes or no.”

Tori sighed. “Yes.”

“And just _why_ did you let her drive you?”

“Well… actually… I asked her.”

Trina turned to face Tori and gaped at her. “You ASKED Jade for a ride? Are you crazy?”

“Eyes on the road! And… yes. I asked her. Because you just abandoned me at school!”

“But why not someone else? _Anyone_ else!”

“There _was_ no one else. It was just us and Sinjin. You’re the one who left me in that situation!”

Trina muttered something under her breath, but Tori wasn’t able to make out what she was saying.

“What’s that?”

Trina looked over at her. “I’m just glad she didn’t hurt you.”

“What do you mean?”

“It’s _Jade West._ The meanest kid in school. Considering all that she does even with teachers around, who knows what she could do to you when you’re alone together. You should stay away from her, Tori.”

The earnest seriousness in Trina’s voice caught Tori off guard and made her sister’s words sink in deeply. It wasn’t often that Trina stopped being annoying long enough to say something caring and genuinely helpful, but when she did, it really made an impact on Tori. Because even though Trina often drove her crazy, Trina was her older sister, and Tori trusted her to take care of her. 

Tori’s head started spinning in confusion; Tori usually made it a rule not to believe rumors and stereotypes about people; she liked to make up her own opinions. But when Trina spoke like this—like she was trying to protect Tori—she couldn’t help but take it to heart. 

_Could it be true? Could Jade really be that bad? Today at the park she seemed… almost vulnerable. But could she really be as much of a monster as everyone says she is?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! I enjoyed writing that a lot. I hope you liked it too! Thank you for reading!


	12. I Need Some Answers

When Beck was visiting family in Canada, Jade usually didn’t eat with the rest of the group during lunch; after all, she didn’t really like any of them (well, except for Cat, but Cat’s mind was often floating in some other plane of existence anyway), and she much preferred a quiet lunch alone. But ever since the previous afternoon, since the incident at the park, Jade felt curiously drawn to Tori. As though she needed to re-evaluate the rigid judgements she had already formed about the girl.

So here she was, sitting with Robbie, Cat, Andre, and Tori at the Asphalt Cafe. Listening to their stupid conversation about the respective merits of blue jeans and khakis. Jade was completely uninterested, considering she would never dream of wearing any pants that light. And she didn’t much care what anyone else thought about them either.

But their discussion dragged on and on, and as Robbie and Andre raised their voices in an argument about which style of pants was better, Jade became uncomfortably aware of how close the others were to her. Her chest tightened with panic, and she instinctively pulled a pair of scissors out of her book bag. She looked around the table for something she could cut up, but nothing immediately stuck out to her. As the noise around her filled her head, Jade quickly reached in her bag again and felt her hand close around a pencil.  _ What the heck, might as well.  _ She pulled it out and began to cut the paint off the wood, making little marks as she used the scissors like a set of mini saws. 

As she zeroed in on the pencil and scissors in front of her, Jade’s mind gradually stopped racing as the sounds of people talking became background noise. Jade continued to devote all her attention to making lines in the wood of the pencil, and she finally felt some of the tension recede. Cutting things up with scissors always made Jade feel less anxious; maybe it was because there was something calming in the metaphor of cutting away whatever walls were around her (whether they were created by tight spaces or by people being too close and too loud). Whatever the reason was, scissors were Jade’s go-to coping mechanism. No one else really understood it, but Jade didn’t care. It didn’t bother her in the least that people assumed she was an aggressive jerk who wanted to stab someone. If it meant that they would stay out of her business, it was a good thing. If no one wanted to get close to Jade in the first place, then that meant there was no one who could betray her.

But then there was Tori. Tori seemed different, somehow. Jade had initially assumed that she was just a shallow, obnoxious egomaniac, like Trina. But her behavior at the park yesterday showed that maybe she was something more than that. Maybe Jade’s initial judgement was off. That didn’t happen often; Jade spent a lot of time observing other people, figuring out who they were and what their motives for action were. So that she could protect herself. Because, as Jade knew better than most, just because someone  _ seems _ nice, doesn’t mean they won’t stab you in the back in the end.

********************************************************************************************************

Although Tori had originally found Robbie and Andre’s discussion of blue jeans and khakis quite entertaining, it quickly grew stale, and Tori found herself looking around the table to see whether Cat and Jade were just as bored by it.

As Tori turned her gaze to her right, she found Cat to be staring blankly up at the sky. Maybe she was cloud watching, or maybe was just dancing around with fairies and unicorns in her mind.  _ She really does seem like she lives in a different world,  _ Tori thought enviously.  _ A simpler one, where you don’t have to worry about whether the person you want to become friends with could actually be potentially dangerous.  _ Sighing, Tori looked across the table to where Jade was sitting. Jade had been very quiet during this meal; it’s not like she usually talked a ton, but she had literally said  _ nothing _ so far, and it made Tori kind of uneasy.

As Tori looked over, her gaze fell downward to the table, where Jade was aggressively trying to cut up a pencil with a pair of scissors.  _ What the heck…? What in the world is with this girl? She’s really not doing a good job of defying what Trina said.  _ Upon a closer look, Tori noticed something even more confusing and concerning.

“Jade, is that  _ my _ pencil you’re cutting up?”

Jade didn’t respond right away, and at first Tori thought Jade hadn’t heard her. But after a few moments, Jade finally looked up.

“Is that my pencil?” Tori repeated.

Jade glanced down at the pencil quickly, then made eye contact again and shrugged. After a moment, she looked down again and renewed her efforts to saw the pencil in half.

“Jade! Give me my pencil back!”

Jade froze mid-cut, and she stayed that way for a while. Finally, she withdrew her scissors and thrust them back into her book bag, then pushed the pencil across the table to Tori, stood up, and stormed away.

Tori gaped after Jade, very confused about what had just happened. Then she glanced down at her pencil, which just yesterday had been clean and smooth. Now it was marred with dozens of cut marks. The sight made Tori feel perturbed.  _ Is this supposed to be some sort of signal? Or a threat?  _ Tori pushed away the rest of her meal; she no longer felt hungry.  _ As long as I’m wondering about whether what Trina told me is true, I won’t be able to feel at ease around Jade. I need some answers.  _

********************************************************************************************************

Jade wove around the tables in the Asphalt Cafe, trying to ignore the chaos and noise as she passed through and caught glimpses of dozens of different conversations. She had never liked how noisy it was out there, but what was she to do about it? When she ate with Beck or Cat, she had no choice but to settle at one of the tables and try to ignore the rest of the people. But when she was alone, she had other options…

Jade went into the school building and made her way to the janitor’s closet. Once inside, she closed and locked the door and slid down to sit on the floor in the middle of the room. Even though enclosed spaces typically made Jade feel anxious, the janitor’s closet had come to be her safe place in the school. For one thing, it was actually larger than it appeared from the outside, and the dim light made it seem even bigger to Jade. More importantly, when she sat there, Jade could be alone. As much as she hated being surrounded by walls, being surrounded by people was much worse, and the janitor’s closet was the only place in the school where she could get away from everyone. Besides, when she was in here, she could cut up a toilet paper roll or a trash can, and no one seemed to care.

Instead of taking out her scissors, Jade pulled her legs in toward her chest with her arms and leaned her head against her knees. She closed her eyes, imagining she was in a wide open space, and she tried to focus her thoughts.  _ Tori. I should probably talk to Tori. Maybe. Well, maybe not. Maybe it’s too risky. Maybe she’ll end up being a terrible person, just like everyone else. But what if she isn’t? What if Tori could actually understand? What if she could… be a friend? _

Jade thought about it for a while longer, and when the bell rang to signal the end of lunch, Jade had reached a decision:  _ Friday. If it still seems like a good idea at that point, I’ll talk to her on Friday. _

********************************************************************************************************

As Tori, Robbie, Andre, and Cat got up at the end of lunch, Tori finally worked up the guts to ask the question that had been on her mind since the night before. “Um, guys? Has Jade actually done anything bad? Like,  _ bad _ bad?”

Robbie and Andre exchanged a meaningful glance, and Cat looked away. None of them said anything, and Tori suddenly got an uneasy feeling in her stomach.   


“Guys?”

Robbie started, “Well, there was that one time—”

Cat cut him off. “I don’t think we should talk about this… Jade wouldn’t want us to.”

Andre nodded in agreement. “You’re right.”

“What?” Tori asked, getting more nervous by the second. “Talk about what?”

Andre looked directly into Tori’s eyes. He looked more serious than he ever had before when he said, “Look, Tori, some stuff happened, but it’s complicated, it’s in the past, and it’s really not a good idea to go digging it up. Okay?”

“I don’t understand,” Tori said, head spinning as she tried to make sense of what Andre was saying.

“Just please, don’t go messing with Jade’s past, okay?”

“Yeah, okay,” Tori responded uncertainly. The cryptic answers she had gotten from her friends only made her more intrigued as to what they could be referring to, and she had no intent of letting it go. Whatever had happened, Tori needed to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I’m not quite sure what to say other than this: I’m getting super excited about this storyline. I hope you’re enjoying it as well. Thank you so much for reading! Until next week!


	13. She Might Be Different

Thursday. The school day passed quickly, with nothing very notable or memorable about it. Jade watched some other people’s improv scenes in Sikowitz’s class, discreetly observed Tori during lunch, and listened to a few interesting lessons in some of her other classes. By the time Jade parked the car in her driveway and headed in the front door, she had concluded that she had learned nothing much that day, even about Tori. And maybe there was nothing more to learn. Maybe Tori really was a nice person who wanted to make a new friend. Maybe there was nothing sinister or cruel lurking behind her kind actions; maybe that was her true self and not a facade.

Even though Jade’s opinion of Tori was increasingly shifting toward a positive one, she still felt uneasy about the idea of talking to her the next day.  _ I resolved that I would seek her out on Friday if she continued to act like a good person, but still… I can’t really know whether she’s genuinely good just by watching her interact with other people. _

Jade walked to her room and slid her book bag off her shoulder and onto her desk. She glanced over to the drawers where she kept her writing notebooks, and her gaze fell on the lock that sealed one of the drawers. Suddenly, she remembered the day she had installed it:

_ Jade had hurried into the room after school, desperately hoping that her father wasn’t home. Her hands were shaking as she took out the combination lock she had just bought at the convenience store. As she opened the lock, she could barely make out the numbers; her vision was blurry from the slow but steady stream of tears that she was shedding. After installing the lock, Jade had frantically shuffled through her other notebook drawer, looking for the one that had caused all her troubles. Finally she found it: that small, pocket-sized notebook with the words “Baby Blue” scrawled across the top in sharpie. As she had stared at it, Jade felt a whole new wave of anger and hurt overcoming her, and she had shoved that small notebook into the now-lockable drawer. Jade had wiped her eyes with her sleeve, then shut and locked the drawer and hurried out of her house again, pulling out of the driveway before her father could return home from work. _

Jade shook her head, trying to escape from the memory. She felt a light tear slowly fall from her eye, and she brushed it away with a soft sigh.  _ Even two years later, it’s still painful to think about that. Will those memories ever stop hurting? _

********************************************************************************************************

Tori threw her backpack down on the couch, then called out to her sister, “Hey, Trina?”

Trina stopped walking, already halfway up the stairs. “Yeah? What?”

“I’ve got a question for you.”

“Couldn’t you have asked during the car ride?”

“Actually, I thought it would be better to wait till we got home,” Tori said, her voice serious. Evidently her tone made an impression on Trina, who turned around and descended the steps to stand next to her.

“Is everything okay, sis?”

“Yeah. Well, kind of… I was wondering if you could tell me what Jade did that was so bad,” Tori said hesitantly.

Trina’s eyes widened. She hesitated, clearly unsure of what to say. Then she finally asked, “Couldn’t one of your friends have told you?”

“I asked. They wouldn’t tell me because they said Jade wouldn’t like it if they did.”

“Oh, I’m sure she wouldn’t,” Trina said with a small chuckle. “It looks quite bad for her.”

Tori gulped. There was yet another dramatic yet vague statement about it. Tori had heard so many statements like it, and the more she heard, the more nervous she became about hearing whatever had happened. But if it was really bad, then she should probably know, to be warned. And prepared. “So… what was it?”

Trina walked over to the kitchen table and sat down and one of the chairs, gesturing for Tori to sit across from her. She complied, then waited as Trina hesitated, then finally started the tale.

“Two years ago, there was this girl named Sarah Gershton who went to Hollywood Arts. She was pretty well liked by most people, and a good actor and singer too. She was a year younger than me, so that would be your age. And then…”

Tori’s breath caught in her throat at her sister’s pause. “Trina! What happened?”

Trina sighed. “Jade started sabotaging her. She managed to prevent her from getting to any of the auditions for that season’s plays, so Sarah was completely blocked out of the performances. Word is that Sarah tried to confront Jade about it, and Jade said some pretty terrible stuff to her. But what I do know for certain is that not too long after, Sarah transferred schools. Not much point in going to a performing arts school if you never get a chance to perform.”

Tori gaped at Trina, unable to believe what she was hearing. “Jade… ruined her?”

Trina nodded sadly. “No one’s seen her since. Or heard from her. Apparently she was too ashamed of not being able to do anything at Hollywood Arts. Or maybe Jade said things that really got to her. But either way, that’s pretty much when people started being afraid of Jade.”

“Wow.”

“Yeah. That’s why I was worried when you said you had asked her for a ride. Especially because… well, it seems like she’s had a special hatred for you since your first day at Hollywood Arts.”

Tori frowned. “Yeah. I guess you’re right. Thanks, Trina.”

Trina smiled. “What are sisters for?” Then she stood up and ascended the stairs to her room.

Now alone in the kitchen, Tori put her arms on the table and propped her head up with her first, thinking. She didn’t want to just change her opinion of Jade based on one rumor, but still… Trina had been a student at Hollywood Arts at the time, and she had seen it happen. And what Jade had done was really terrible. If she still had even a little bit of that animosity inside her, she could definitely hurt Tori. And Trina was right; Jade did dislike Tori, and even when Tori had tried to apologize and talk to her, Jade had just seemed upset. 

Tori rubbed her temples. She couldn’t ignore what Trina had just told her, and she couldn’t just accept it blindly as truth. She had to ask someone else about it. But who? Andre, Cat, and Robbie had already said they wouldn’t tell her, and if she tried to ask them, Andre would probably be disappointed that she had already asked Trina about it. Tori sighed, accepting that for now at least, she had hit a wall. She tried to shelve these thoughts, sure that she would think of a solution later. And she could certainly do with some time to process all that she had just been told.

********************************************************************************************************

That night, Jade lay in bed, thinking about whether she should try to talk to Tori the next day. She could think of a million reasons why it was a terrible idea, yet for some reason, she felt compelled to do it anyway. There was something about Tori that made Jade believe that maybe, just maybe, she might be different. So far, she had relentlessly tried to befriend Jade, despite Jade’s continual anger and rudeness. And she seemed well-meaning and earnest. Maybe it was worth a shot.

_ Friday. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s all I’ve got for you today. To be continued next week!
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!


	14. Friday

Friday after school, Jade lingered at the door to her last class for a few minutes, waiting for the halls to clear out before she returned to her locker. She was hoping she might be able to catch Tori alone; it would be hard enough to talk to her, even without catching stares from nosy classmates.

When she saw that most people seemed to have left, Jade headed to the front of the school. As she approached, she was surprised to hear Tori talking to someone. Jade assumed it was Trina or some annoying kid from one of Tori’s classes, so she waited from around the corner, hoping that the other person would walk away and Jade would get her chance to address just Tori.

“I know Andre said you couldn’t tell me, but this is different; I already know, I’m just asking for a confirmation,” Tori said. 

Jade leaned a little closer, intrigued.  _ Couldn’t tell her about what? _

The other person started sputtering, and the voice was familiar, but Jade couldn’t immediately place it.

“Well, okay, I guess… but you can’t tell them that I told you. Especially not Cat!”  _ Oh, it’s Robbie. He can get so flustered about Cat,  _ Jade thought with a slight smile.

“Thank you,” Tori said. “I won’t tell Cat. So… what happened. Trina told me that Jade—” Jade’s eyes widened as she heard her name— “well, that she sabotaged someone named Sarah Gershton—”

At the sound of that name, Jade involuntarily inhaled sharply. Her mind was quickly filled with flashes of Sarah’s face—smiling wide during the bows of a play, frozen in the middle of a laugh while joking around at the park, making a silly face at a photobooth. And then more memories flooded in, first the good, then the bad. Jade leaned against the wall, trying to make sense of all the thoughts and feelings that had just swarmed into her head.

Tori had trailed off when Jade had made noise, and now Tori rounded the corner. When her eyes fell on Jade, her jaw dropped. Tori looked guilty and ashamed, but Jade was too preoccupied to care much about what Tori felt.

“Jade…” Tori started, then trailed off, clearly unsure what to say.

Even though Jade had originally intended to talk to Tori, hearing Sarah’s name had thrown her for a loop, and Jade knew that a coherent conversation was no longer a possibility. She had to get home so she had a quiet place to think. Alone. So she looked Tori in the eye, gave a sarcastic smile, and said, “I’ll just leave to your gossip and rumors.” Then she walked out of the school quickly, ignoring Tori’s protests.

Jade headed to her car, but as she approached she realized that a small, cramped car was a bad place to try to deal with her thoughts about Sarah, which were complicated enough on their own. Frowning, she looked around for other places to go, finally settling for one of the tables in the Asphalt Cafe. Since it was the weekend, no one was hanging around outside the school, so she had the space to herself.

Jade stared blankly across the school grounds, letting her eyes unfocus as she concentrated on the tumult in her mind. Whenever she thought about Sarah deeply, it felt like her mind was fighting itself; there was one part of her that remembered all the laughs and fun they had shared, and another that just remembered the stinging feelings of loss, anger and betrayal. It gave her a headache. As much as she resented how their relationship had ended, Jade still couldn’t bring herself to hate Sarah. She had such an easy time hating random classmates that she had barely met, but when it came to someone she knew so well… Jade just couldn’t bring herself to forget all the good memories.

But even those numerous happy snapshots weren’t enough. Because every thought about Sarah, no matter how joyful it originally appeared, was always immediately followed by bitter sadness.

Jade brushed away a tear, then another, then gave up and buried her head in her arms on the table. 

********************************************************************************************************

Jade didn’t know how long she sat there, crying in silence, but she eventually heard a few people noisily leaving the school. Jade tried to block out those sounds, but then a voice wormed its way into her head.

“Actually, Robbie, I think I’ll just wait for Trina to finish up with her rehearsal and drive me home. I’ll see you on Monday.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, you go ahead.”

“Bye, Tori!”

There was silence for a few moments, then Jade heard the sound of footsteps approaching.  _ She’s staying at school longer to talk to me? Why the hell would she want to talk to me after literally asking around for dirt on me? _

“I, uh—”

“Go away, Vega. I don’t want to hear it.”

“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”

“I know that no matter what it is, I don’t care.” A lie, but Jade hated letting other people see her cry.

Tori sighed. “I don’t know if I’m being an idiot, like opening-the-spooky-door-in-a-horror-film level stupid—”

“That wouldn’t be new for you,” Jade observed.

“—but I felt like I needed to talk to you before making any judgments about… y’know.”

_ The Sarah situation. No way am I talking to Tori about that.  _ “No, I don’t know. What are you talking about?” Jade asked, feigning ignorance to make Tori feel more uncomfortable, and hopefully dissuade her from actually probing.

“Come on, Jade. You know. What Trina said about you preventing Sarah Gersthon from getting any spots in the plays.”

_ There’s the name again. Just as painful every single time it’s said out loud…  _

“No,” Jade said, with her head still buried in her arms.

“No, you didn’t know that’s what we were talking about, or no, that didn’t happen?”

“No, I’m not telling you about it. Go away.”

“So it did happen?”

Jade finally raised her head and made eye contact. “You know what Tori? Just this morning I had thought that maybe, just maybe, you were different, and that you didn’t judge me the way everyone else does. That maybe you saw me somehow. But clearly I was wrong. You’re just as bad as the others, choosing rumors over what you’ve seen with your own eyes. So cheers. Enjoy your half baked suspicion, because you clearly already have all the information you need to make your decision about me.”

With that, Jade scooped up her book bag and walked away. It wasn’t until she was far away from the school that she realized she had messed up in two major regards: she had used Tori’s first name, and, more importantly, she had revealed way too much about herself. Jade scolded herself, desperately hoping Tori hadn’t noted much of what she had said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Until next week!


	15. What Have I Done?

All week long, Tori had been looking forward to the moment when she would arrive home from school on Friday, able to finally escape from the stress of a busy school week and just chill. But she found that when she got home late that afternoon, she felt anything but relaxed. She was still trying to figure out what Jade had said to her at school, and what it meant.

“You alright, little sister?” Trina asked from across the kitchen as she pulled a muffin out of the pantry for snack.

“I’m not sure,” Tori responded truthfully. “I feel like I messed up in some big way, but I don’t really know how, why, or what I’m supposed to do about it.”

Trina peeled the paper liner away from one side of the muffin and took a large bite. “Messed up what?” she asked through a mouthful.

“Ew, Trina, I don’t want to see that!” Tori exclaimed, holding her hand up to block her sister out of her vision.

“You’re just jealous you don’t get to have this amazing muffin,” Trina responded.

Tori rolled her eyes, then got more serious. “Really though, what do you do when you think you might have messed up?”

“I don’t mess up,” Trina said with a shrug and smile. “That’s why I’m so good at everything.”

Tori rolled her eyes again.  _ Why did I think Trina would have anything useful to say about this? She’s too caught up in herself to give me any helpful advice. _

“But what is it, Tori? I’m always here to help my little sister with her problems,” Trina said in the tone of voice that was reserved for talking to puppies, babies, and little-sister-Tori.

“Never mind,” Tori mumbled, grabbing an apple off the kitchen counter and making her way to her room.  _ Thinking about this alone will definitely be way more useful than talking to Trina. _

Once in her room, Tori shut the door and plopped down onto her pile of pillows and large stuffed animals, leaving her backpack lying in the middle of the floor. She stared up at her ceiling, where her ceiling fan spun lazily, and she followed one of five arms as it went around and around and around.

_ I got so caught up in trying to figure out if what Trina told me was true that I guess I forgot to think about it from the other side of things. I thought it would make sense to ask Jade about it before judging her based on the story, but clearly that was a stupid thing to do. I’ve never seen Jade that… honest before. Well, maybe honest isn’t the right word. Genuine. She never talks about herself at all, and all the times before when I tried to get close to her, she wouldn’t let me in. But then today, she just… kind of snapped, and it seemed like she actually showed me her true feelings. Even if just a little. _

Tori furrowed her brow, trying to remember what Jade had said specifically.  _ Something about thinking I was different, and that I didn’t judge her.  _ Tori felt a wave of regret rising up in her.  _ She thought that I actually might be good. All those times when I tried to talk to her, she was beginning to trust me and believe I was a decent person… but I just ruined that.  _ Tori pulled her plush turtle out of the pile and hugged it to her chest.  _ I let myself get carried away by a rumor, and now… not only does Jade not trust me, but I’ve hurt her.  _ Tori squeezed the turtle tighter, and as she felt a new wave of guilt and sadness washing over her, she noticed that the stuffed animal was becoming wet with tears.  _ What have I done?  _

********************************************************************************************************

Late that night, Jade sat in the dark, trying to process the events of the day. In the morning, she had gone to school feeling so hopeful, as if maybe it could be the dawn of a new chapter in her life, one where she could trust again, and have another friend by her side. One where she wouldn’t have to feel isolated. But her interaction with Tori had gone just about as badly as it could have, and now Jade felt more alone than ever. 

She should have expected that would happen. Should have known that the prospect of actually finding someone trustworthy and kind was too good to be true. But Jade had foolishly believed that she could have another chance at… chance at what? Having a normal life? Yes, maybe that was it. Being able to joke around at school and hang out for hours afterwards, doing nothing in particular but having a great time. Being able to finally move on, and forget about the dark, sad time that came before it. Just being herself.

But no, of course that couldn’t have been. Because that would require someone to accept Jade as she was, take in all her flaws and be okay with them, and make it past the rough, bitter exterior. And who would be crazy enough to do that? Who would really want to take a chance on her?

It seemed that Tori had tried to be accepting, and then she had realized it wasn’t worth it, and she had just given into the negative rumors that were flying around about Jade, that had been flying around for two years. Those sharp, pointy rumors that had initially pierced deep into Jade’s skin and hurt her deeply, until she had learned to grow armor. Even with her defenses up, it still stung to hear them, especially coming from someone she had thought she could trust.

_ That’s why you should never trust anyone,  _ said a small voice in her head.

_ I thought she was different, I really did! _ Jade thought.  _ I can’t really be faulted for wanting things to change, can I? _

_ Of course you can, _ the voice responded.  _ It’s your fault for being so naive, and you’re the one who’s suffering now as a result. The only way you can avoid being hurt is to never give people a chance to hurt you. _

Jade nodded slowly, realizing that part of her brain was right.  _ It was stupid to believe things could change, or that anyone else could really be trusted. I won’t make that mistake again. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title of this chapter is not a reference to the Les Mis song of the same name, but it also is totally worth bringing up because musical references are fun, and this is about a theatre program, after all. :)
> 
> I hope you’re enjoying it. Thank you for reading!
> 
> Also, teaser for next week’s chapter: Beck finally returns from Canada. We’ll be back up to the whole gang. 
> 
> See you next week!


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